posted an entry in the ongoing debate on monogamy. And since it’s a distraction from my job hunt, I couldn’t resist the chance to chime in.
There’s alot to be said for monogamy; in terms of disease prevention, relationship stability, and a few other things, it tends to work out better. There’s alot to be said for nonmonogamous setups; jealousy isn’t validated, it makes it clear that the relationship is about what you do together, not what you do with other people, and, of course, you have permission to have some fun at the same time. And each also definitely has their drawbacks. There is no perfect way to handle the human heart and libido.
It’s possible for either choice to be a selfish or giving decision (or both, of course). Who are you thinking about when you think about this issue? Are you thinking about protecting your lover from stds, from the hurt feelings if you were to sleep around, about reassuring them that they are all you need? Or are you thinking about protecting your own wang, your own emotions, your own insecurity? Are you thinking about the freedom and joy that your lover can experience? Are you thinking about the opportunity to get your rocks off with that pretty thing who isn’t your lover?
There are a couple of unique challenges for monogamy among homos (including dykes, people). Homos don’t have nearly as consistent a support system for monogamy as straight people. There are calls for monogamy, there are calls for abstinence, and there are calls for getting your rocks off. Some people pick and choose the message to listen to, others choose none, and some just listen to everything.
Then there’s the graph theory explanation. Unlike heteros, this isn’t a bipartide graph. In everyday english, me and my ex’s ex are far more likely to find one another attractive than my straght friend’s straight ex’s ex. Since everyone can be attracted to everyone, it’s a much messier playing field. And a less stable one. This applies to lesbians and bisexuals as well. There’s a really obnoxious model for this, that I think actually makes a valid point, but I wouldn’t want to subject anyone to an obviously flawed mathematical model that doesn’t want to hear it. 😉
But unless it’s his mother or sister, his lips shouldn’t touch another’s unless they’re mine. No one should see him naked but me. No one should have his hands up his shorts / down his pants, unless it’s me. And certainly, his hands shouldn’t be in someone else’s pants unless they are mine.
The latter parts aren’t so objectionable (though my first thought on hearing them was “what about the doctor” and “what about the lockerroom”), but I do find the first part objectionable. Do the same rules apply when they’re in france, russia, spain, or other situations where kissing is a standard greeting among friends, like for some bar fags?
Yes, yes, those are all special circumstances, but my point is that I bet it’s not really the action, so much as the intent that bothers you. It’s a complicated thing that can’t be measured easily by a set of simple “thou shalt not”s. “Thou shalt not take action out of other attractions” or “Thou shalt not violate my standards of accepted social behavior”. Except, of course, people have different standards.
As more time passes, I see that fewer and fewer gay men feel this way. It seems to be mostly a heterosexual thing. As I said before, I don’t care what other couples do. But with so many people adopting this multi-partnered philosophy, it seems to be leaving fewer and fewer men who actually believe in “my one and only”. Where does that leave me?
See, I’ve observed the exact opposite trend. I think with increasing social acceptance (not to mention the advent of hiv), there’s been a trend towards a more coherent advocacy of monogamy, and that the younger generation tends more towards that perspective. But maybe I’m on crack, cuz this is based on my own observations, naturally biased by my own ideas. Maybe you are too 😉 Maybe things haven’t really changed all that much.