One of the benefits of living outside social approval is the freedom that comes from disregarding social norms. If you’re a notorious gangster, it’s not like you’re going to be invited over for tea and crumpets regardless of what shoes you’re wearing after labor day. So wear what you want.
Homos used to be real social rebels. At least the open ones. And with that came a major ambiguity as to acceptable behavior, with the typical answer being “anything goes.”
But if you want your boyfriend to be welcome in your parents’ home, does that mean accepting other parts of the social contract governing hetero relationships? And which parts?
If the rules don’t apply to you, you have to make your own rules. But as the broader society starts to embrace homos, what implications does that have for gay male social norms? Will the monogamists gain market share in gay relationships? Will camp seem curiouser and quainter, like obsessions with elvis? Will pride parades calm down? Will moms start arranging for their sons to meet? Will it happen as a generational change, so that the younger queers will wonder at how messed up the older generation is?
My bet on all of the above is yes. But I think it’s also important to recognize that the broader society has changed in other ways as well. Among those changes, it’s become more open about sex in general, and more tolerant of different lifestyles. The gays really can’t take primary credit or blame for that, though I think we’ve had a role in it.
I haven’t sought social acceptance through conformity much at all since I came out and I don’t intend to start now. But I also won’t protest norms just to cause trouble. I’ll probably meander around a bit on that scale, but stick to roughly where I am now.
Any norms in particular you’re thinking about? There have always been boring/polite homos and eccentric/scary married couples.
So, the good thing about assimilation is it’s a two-way street. Subgroups rarely completely its rituals/customs/whatever. The larger group adopts them to some small degree, and we get a very slight shift where it’s okay for straight people to behave like gay men, at least a little bit.
interesting point on that.. like dropping a cold egg into a pot of boiling water? 😉
but back to scu’s point..
i’m glad to see someone say this:
One of the benefits of living outside social approval is the freedom that comes from disregarding social norms.
i’ve sometimes theorized that this could explain why women in japan seem, well, much more radical that the ones here – is it because it’s so _easy_ for them to have to break some social norms, and that once they have, it’s easier to break more?
re: social contracts… even though you can look at it one way – that being outside of the social norm, you’re exempted from more ‘minor’ social rules, really, i think, the same rules apply as if it were a straight partner, or something like that..
just think, if you bring home a wealthy gay billionaire boy, or a dirty guy you found off the street… there will _probably_ be some sort of different reception there..
so, my answer, if indeed i have one, is that you should follow whichever ones you feel comfortable with. in general… no matter in which direction you pine…
somehow i’ve avoided the more general question of how trends would be affected by the assimilation..
i think tmaher’s more or less right, though i imagine there would be some interesting exceptions in one or the other direction..
i’m too tired to provide examples of what i mean… 🙂
I have a feeling that as various sexualities that differ from the mainstream become more accepted that the notion of “I’ve already crossed one social taboo what’s a dozen more” will simmer down as well.
Which is somewhat sad as for me personally it brought on a good long bout of thinking critically about what I wanted in life vs what society told me I should want.
Good questions. No answers here. But good questions.
To a large extent this has already happened. Compare an HRC sponsored event with a more traditional gay pride event. The HRC event will have more monogamous couples with children, and far fewer leather daddies, drag queens, and dykes on bikes. I remember the first HRC fundraiser mailing I got (in 1995 or 1996). My girlfriend at the time saw me reading it and asked what it was, and I told her I wasn’t sure, but that I thought it was a gay rights group, but they never explicitly say, and none of the photos in the brochure are definitely of gay people, just people that look a little gay (I believe they used to call it str8 acting). There’s always been a segment of the gay population that aren’t freaks, and want to feel assimilated, but they’re largely invisible to everybody else. As sexuality becomes less important, the non-freaks will become the stereotype, but just because others conform to arbitrary rules of normality, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be free to let your freak flag fly (as we used to say).
Five or six years ago, an old-school friend of mine looked over the crowd at a Minnesota Freedom Band bandshell concert and said:
“It used to be tattoos and dogs. Now it’s piercings and toddlers.”
I’ve noticed what seems to be a specific way to not conform however: there are “scripts” of appropriate gay/dyke behaviors, which can be just as obnoxious as the prevailing “mainstream”. I’m looking forward to those scripts going away. I don’t think this is assimilation, rather than figuring out different ways to just be ourselves, regardless of sexual/gender identity.
I haven’t sought social acceptance through conformity much at all since I came out and I don’t intend to start now. But I also won’t protest norms just to cause trouble. I’ll probably meander around a bit on that scale, but stick to roughly where I am now.
I approach things pretty much the same way. I’ve always believed that the ultimate goal of the collective movements (civil rights, women’s rights, gay rights, etc.) should be to establish that it is OK to live your life any way that feels authentic (and, obviously, doesn’t involve non-consensual activity). Living a life that feels inauthentic just to protest norms gives those norms just as much control over your life as would living an inauthentic life that conforms to them. Love them or hate them: it’s still an obsession. Ignore them, and do your thing.