In another of my endless revisions…
I’m not in marketing. And it so shows in my ads. Much like a resume, the idea is to draw people in, right? Except, much like a resume, you want to attract particular interest. It’s easy to focus on what you don’t like, but there’s a huge list there that everyone has. “I don’t want to date dishonest people”. No kidding, really? And another huge list that individuals have: “I don’t want to date someone who watches alot of television,” might be one of mine, and another friend of mine doesn’t want to date vegetarians, as he would find his options constrained when cooking for them. But the negatives are a huge turn off. I don’t compress well into a few lines of text. Nobody does.
I can write resumes or personals ads with general appeal. I can write them to accurately detail me. I can even write something targeted to one particular person/position by selecting the particular things that best match their interests. But I’ll be damned if I know how to write something which simultaneously explains what I have to offer, and what I want in a way that intrigues the good matches and repels/bores the bad ones. I suspect this is partially because I don’t really have a firm handle on what I want. I may be thinking about this all wrong.
I reject the notion that there’s one perfect person out there. It’s reasonable that I should also ditch the notion that there’s a set of ideal characteristics. I probably need to experiment with the boyfriend of the month club to figure out what I actually like. Heh.
Who am I? Well, I’m athletic, analytical, articulate, academic, altruistic, affectionate, ambitious, absurd, absent-minded, alliterative, and that’s just the ‘A’s. I cook, and sometimes even clean. I play games and devil’s advocate. I read, and I think, alot. I’m pretty mellow on the outside, regardless of the inside. I prefer the road less traveled, and that makes all the difference. I am an introvert, and I still enjoy meeting interesting people.
I want to meet someone who wants to make something of their own life without trying to control me or be controlled by me, someone who’ll point out when I’m talking bull, and that intangible, but undeniable rapport. A handsome face, and an athletic body would be nice too, but that isn’t enough on it own, and it isn’t essential either. A mellow, quiet guy, filled with a rich inner world that he’ll share a bit of with me.
I want to steal your ad.
If it tickles your fancy, I encourage you to use it as inspiration for your own. =)
s/a lot/alot/
“I want to meet someone who wants to make something of
theirhis own life” (hey, it makes it grammatically correct, as well).“but that isn’t enough on its own”
“and [verb] that intangible”
We’ll leave that last sentence fragment alone.
Actually, I really like your ad. It’s cute. You can ignore these suggestions, of course, but I definitely look for grammatical errors in these kinds of things. Oh, and feel free to delete this comment. I just figured this is easier than e-mailing you.
That gender neutrality becomes a hard habit to break. “They” is my gender neutral third person singular as well as my third person plural. In a personals ad, though, that’s probably only appropriate for bisexuals. =)
the “intangible” thing, maybe “and someone I can share that intangible…”
I like the idea on the last sentence fragment, but its grammar makes me wince, both because it’s a sentence fragment, and because the phrase itself is convoluted. Suggestions on how to amend it without destroying the beauty of it would be welcome. =)
Thanks for the proofread.
The Oxford treatment would probably be something like “…a rich inner world of which he would share a bit with me.” Hopefully that would confuse the boiz and leave your target audience intact.
…
Also you need to talk about your hot ass more. 😉
A mellow, quiet guy, filled with a rich inner world that he’ll share a bit of with me.
“Perhaps he will be a mellow, quiet guy, filled with a rich inner world that he’ll share a bit with me.”
“Perhaps(?) he will be a mellow, quiet guy, willing to share a bit of his rich inner world with me.”
“I’m { searching for | seeking } a mellow, quiet guy who { is | will be } { willing | happy | ? } to share a bit of his rich inner world with me.”
Sorry, I didn’t do much writing business, so that’s probably all I can come up with. I like some variation of #3 the best.
Just my thoughts on it; take it with a grain of salt (or insert lame disclaimer here):
It’s a good draft. You might want to consolidate a few ideas though. It seems that you’re trying to juxtapose contrasting ideas too often. After the third time, it becomes a bit trite.
I have to say… my favorite line is, “A mellow, quiet guy, filled with a rich inner world that he’ll share a bit of with me.” 🙂
Hope this turns out well for you!
Yeah, I can definitely see where some consolidation could take place. I want to make sure it doesn’t get so brief as to be “I’m cool, drop me a line.” =)
Input appreciated.