Category: Uncategorized

Motivation

My job hunt went from slowly progressing to glacially. Over the past week, I put in application at berkeley bowl, and followed up on it. Oh, and gave a copy of my resume to ben (of mountainview) to pass along to a guy who’s apparently looking for a large number of consultant type people. Thank you, Ben. =)

Anyone who is going to tell me I really ought to be getting my job hunt on can fuck off. I know that. Guilt has been tried, and totally fails to motivate me. Fear hasn’t been doing such a great job either. Definitely there, gnawing at my heels, but not getting me to move in a directed fashion.

I’m thinking of setting aside X time, on Y days to do the job hunt (say 11-6, m-f) and giving myself the rest of my time to put the job hunt back in the kennel, and work on the rest of my life.

I think it’s my tremendous sense of insecurity that’s driving my man hunt. Must channel towards finding work….

Blah.

I’m afraid that if I do find a job, it’ll be another doin-it-for-the-money deal. I’m not even really sure what I want to do (as opposed to what I’m willing to do)

owning grief, owning fear

Denial is a pervasive problem with humanity in general, and for me in particular. Particularly the denial of emotion. In my case, the deeply ingrained reflex to deny the unpleasant, or, more accurately, to stoically endure it, in a sense forswearing the fear and grief that naturally arise from such leads to me sitting on my ass, wasting away the day to a nameless ennui.

I really can’t solve problems that I refuse to acknowledge. Bleh.

It’s hard on the heart to keep meeting people dick first. I give a bit of my heart each time. And even if I factor out every biological risk (which I do my best to do), that wears one down, if it’s unreturned. Empty hearted sportfucking makes me sad.

So often when I get it on, I’m looking for something very different. Probably another case of looking for the wallet lost in the alley under the streetlamp.

Time to step into less familiar terrain?

I wish I could buy motivation. Like a bathroom rug at Target it could come in multiple varieties, green/blue, job-finding/self-improvement. And it would be functional, like a blender at targe… Hey, wait a sec, they only have a two speed. And one of those speeds is off. That blows. Glass jar? And more expensive than the one I really want? Forget that.

Where was I? Oh yes, motivation. And it could be recharged, like batteries you can find at target. Plenty of rechargeable batteries… but no chargers. Oh wait, here’s a funky shaped one for 3 times what it would cost to get what I want.

Screw this popsicle stand, I’m going to go home and sulk.

Then make dinner. Stuffed mushrooms and salad. This better turn out well at least. =)

Simon so cool

While I don’t necessarily agree with everything here, I agree with far more of it than I do of a typical speech from any elected ‘leader’ of mine. Ugh.

http://baltimorechronicle.com/ol_aug02.shtml

And it naturally leads to the question of ‘so what do I do now’. To which my answer is, ‘I wish I knew’.

A place of my own

So, I have a lease on a place. This means I have my own room. And by the miraculous powers of friend of a friend charity, I have a bed, too. So, I got to sleep in privacy on a bed. For the first time in like 20 days. Ah…..

And I’m living with . We were up late playing super mario land and gradius III. Life is good =) It’ll be a bit weird getting used to living with him, but not as wierd as living with my little sister 2 years ago. Ah how the time flies… =)