I generally reject linear models and dichotomies, but today I was thinking: there is a rough continuum of acceptance, starting at intolerance and running through respect, which could apply to just about anything from my routine dress code violations (I should really just get some comfortable work shoes) to race relations, but I was thinking specifically with regard to homo and poly ways.
Intolerance is when you disapprove of the difference and actively try to stop it. (Remember this is a continuum. There are degrees of intolerance ranging from torture and execution to gentle reproof, and they are all intolerance.)
Tolerance is when you disapprove of something, but don’t try to stop it or change it. Frequently the tolerant will regard the tolerated with contempt, but be surprised when called out on it. They’ll protest that they have no problem with whatever bizarre, deviant difference exists between you, oblivious or indifferent to the insult. I vascillate between tolerance and intolerance of smoking, especially in public.
Acceptance is when the disapproval fades away. You know that uncle jimmy is a queer, but that’s just the way he is. You still don’t grant them equality, but you stop wishing they would change. The defensive reaction also fades but is still present.
Respect is where you acknowledge the legitimacy of the other person’s difference and treat them with and their difference with, well, respect.
It’s a thought framework. I’m sure some social psychologist or anthropologist has a better taxonomy, but work with it
Now my two points. I wish people would see that tolerance is a long way from respect. The defensive reaction is irksome.
Secondly, I better appreciate why a certain openly poly bi guy, married to a woman, said he thinks of me as queer, not gay. That was a bit of a headscratcher at the time, but it makes more sense now.
A lot of homos want narrow respect for same sex relationships, but barely tolerate bisexuality, the openly kinky, self identified poly people, racial minorities, and, in some cases, even the opposite sex.
I understand why some people look at that crowd and want nothing to do with “the gay community”. But as for me, well, I generally tolerate them, sadly.