Author: cheerfulchaotic

I wish I could buy motivation. Like a bathroom rug at Target it could come in multiple varieties, green/blue, job-finding/self-improvement. And it would be functional, like a blender at targe… Hey, wait a sec, they only have a two speed. And one of those speeds is off. That blows. Glass jar? And more expensive than the one I really want? Forget that.

Where was I? Oh yes, motivation. And it could be recharged, like batteries you can find at target. Plenty of rechargeable batteries… but no chargers. Oh wait, here’s a funky shaped one for 3 times what it would cost to get what I want.

Screw this popsicle stand, I’m going to go home and sulk.

Then make dinner. Stuffed mushrooms and salad. This better turn out well at least. =)

Simon so cool

While I don’t necessarily agree with everything here, I agree with far more of it than I do of a typical speech from any elected ‘leader’ of mine. Ugh.

http://baltimorechronicle.com/ol_aug02.shtml

And it naturally leads to the question of ‘so what do I do now’. To which my answer is, ‘I wish I knew’.

A place of my own

So, I have a lease on a place. This means I have my own room. And by the miraculous powers of friend of a friend charity, I have a bed, too. So, I got to sleep in privacy on a bed. For the first time in like 20 days. Ah…..

And I’m living with . We were up late playing super mario land and gradius III. Life is good =) It’ll be a bit weird getting used to living with him, but not as wierd as living with my little sister 2 years ago. Ah how the time flies… =)

Bodies and insecurity, oh yeah and yoga.

Oh yeah, and seeing guys with userpics like and not good for my body image. Like, at all. So very, very pretty. Even after the 8 years on the swim team, 2 hour practices, 5 days a week, summer and winter, I didn’t have a six pack. We won’t discuss how often I gorged myself at the Wendy’s & Rax all-you-can-eat thingies of the era. I was also only like 5 pounds heavier than I am now. No, I didn’t lift, or do situps, or pushups, or any of that.

I don’t think I want my body renovated in a major way. Less than 10 pounds more muscle for the upper body. Less than 5 pounds less fat (and that I’m actually iffy on. My bf% was on the high end of healthy the last time I remember getting it checked).

Not that my craving a six pack has anything to do with functionality.

I am so tremendously fucking uncentered these days. I think it’s time I actually _used_ that yoga mat. I wonder if my yoga manual in the stuff Jane shipped to me. I know the routine pretty well, but it’s still nice to have the book there since it’s been forever and a day since I’ve actually yoga’ed.

I should make a commitment to do that like 3 times a week, for as long as it takes to do it right. (2-3 hours, historically speaking). I’ve never had that level of commitment to it, but if I want to cultivate my inner peace I could do much worse.

I think I’m all about deciding what I want to be when I grow up at this point. I think that inner peace is the first and most important change necessary. But I don’t want to lose my quirky, chaotic charm. Hmmmm, peaceful chaos. A point to ponder. Bed time for me. (after I finish commenting on other journals 😉

Getting a real life

The funny thing is, it means different things to different people. I took bart & muni over to the castro with all the enthusiasm of a bull in mating season. I entered the bars with all the enthusiasm of a shy virgin with a headache. I mostly walked around a bit. I was cruised alot. Some muscle guy pinched my ass on the way out of “The Bar on Castro St” (what kind of a name is that, I ask you?). I was totally unwilling to say hi to anyone.

It’s great that I don’t smell like smoke. I’m very happy about that. It doesn’t make up for the fact that I didn’t enjoy entering any of these locations in the first place.

I’m quite grateful for the gentleman putting me up in his guest bed this evening. (I was starting to think I’d be sleeping in a park at one point. Apparently we had a miscommunication about which night I would be staying over, but all is well now).

I’m feeling my unemployment riding my back like a rabid monkey. At the same time, I have an overwhelming fear of another job like I had at motorola: unstimulating, with high expectations, and a craptastic work environment.

Bleh.

Still too much. 9 freaking screens of friends list to scroll back through. 9. I need to trim, but there are so many cool people out there. =(

I can’t give it all the attention I would like to, especially if I’m going to have a life of my own.