Poetry this time
Begging for trouble
Jumping into life heart first
You’re trying to walk on dreams
Like they’re safe and stable ground
You’re just asking for trouble
It’s not like this is the worst
You’ve ever seen. You’ve rehearsed.
On this topic, you’re well versed.
Through lips pouting and pursed
You’ll swear that you’re cursed.
When you’re just jumping heart first.
Ain’t it lovely, in moonbeams?
All soft silver, so it seems.
Vaguer than real, meaning teems.
Such unreliable seams,
Make all the truth one deems.
When trying to walk on dreams.
Even after you’ve been downed
Relying on what you thought was sound
You’ll keep coming right back ’round
Like the whipped yet loyal hound
And we’d all thought you’d found
It’s just not safe or stable ground.
And so you blow another bubble
Hoping it won’t fall to rubble
Ground against the real world’s stubble
You’re just begging for trouble
It’s definitely on a par with decent modern pop music, quality-wise. Believe it or not, I mean that as a compliment.
Except verse three. Rework verse three and change the syllable that you rhyme from “eems”. The third and fifth lines just don’t work and finding more things to rhyme with “seems” doesn’t look promising.
Okay, that’s more judgemental than I usually am — I hope you’ll take it as the constructive criticism I mean it to be.
Yeah it certainly seemed like the weakest one to me too. I had a few more words to play with (themes, memes), but you’re right, bad word.
And I value this sort of input. I’m trying to make an artistically pleasing work, not _just_ vent. =)