Stirring memories up from the bottom of the pot

Posting a comment in an older entry in ‘s journal, I am reminded of a very pleasant experience from octoberish of 2000, whilst I was living in chicago.

It was a thursday evenig. I had just had an awkward but pleasant hanging out with a couple of people I’d met before I’d moved to chicago. I was skating along buena(?) back to my car in the parking lot in the park at irving park road, and I took the tunnel into the peace garden. There was this guy sitting on the stone wall off to the left as I was heading off to the right. He looked seriously down, and seriously cute. I cast a look over my shoulder (returned by him) and skated towards the stairs off to the right, then paused, started climbing, looked back again (again with the eye contact), and skated over and sat on his left side.

I introduced myself, and said what was up with me, then asked him what was wrong. He had had big badness happen in his life, his job had crumbled due to illegal action on the part of his boss, blah, blah, blah. I asked if he was hungry, he said yeah, and I took him out to the Chicago Diner, where we were waited on by cute waiter who called me once, but not twice (oh well). Long conversation, getting to know one another, telling me all sorts of stories about his youth. Then walking back to my car. Expressing the wish that we could hang out A very encouraging kiss goodnight.

His name was Randy.

I lost his number. And was pretty neurotic about it. I even went back to the peace garden for the following two thursday evenings (all the way from schaumburg, which is like 30-40 minutes drive even in zero traffic, and this was not zero traffic by a long shot). No joy. I wish things had gone differently, but I honestly don’t think I would recognize him if he and I shook hands today.

Enough wool-gathering, time for work.

Overactive sense of perfectionism

late night chat with in which I mentioned that a significant part of why I like him as much as I do is that he doesn’t judge me, and it just sorta spilled out that I judge myself all the time. And I do, and it’s a pain.

If anyone makes an accusation of me, I start off assuming it’s true. Only in cases of total absurdity do I feel compelled to defend myself and in those situations, it feels like what I’m really doing is keeping a grasp on the basics of reality there.

As a medic, my biggest flaw is my self-criticism. My self-mistrusting hesitance led me into a conflict on ‘graduation night’ where medic who’s been doing this since around the time I was born basically yelled at me near the beginning of shift “You’re putting pressure on yourself that doesn’t exist, there is no fucking pressure, just get out there and DO it!” or something very similar to that. Setting aside the irony inherent in that statement, it fits. As it turns out, two weeks later, when he asked me and my fellow new medics who had seen clients thus far, I was the only one. But I still don’t feel ready. I still don’t think I’m “good enough”. After every client I see, I have a list of things I could have done better. The guys watching me often have a comment or two, and one of them is usually “That was great.”

That is probably the current biggest personal development project for me. Calming the critic while maintaining my open-ness and ability to learn. Automatic self-denigration is as foolish as automatic self-aggrandizement, even if I am more comfortable with it.

Btw

What with my little sister’s surprise wedding & all next tuesday, I’m going to be in pittsburgh again real soon now. Will any of y’all be around to hang out with, or offer me a little crash space? =)

Flight: US Airways flight 74 (Non-Stop)
Depart: San Francisco, CA (SFO) – TERMINAL 1
” Sat, Jan 04 at 1:45pm
Arrive: Pittsburgh, PA (PIT) – Terminal Information Unavailable
” Sat, Jan 04 at 9:24pm

Flight: US Airways flight 73 (Non-Stop)
Depart: Pittsburgh, PA (PIT) – Terminal Information Unavailable
” Wed, Jan 08 at 9:15am
Arrive: San Francisco, CA (SFO) – TERMINAL 1
” Wed, Jan 08 at 11:42am

Guns, Germs, and Steel: my review

So, I haven’t totally finished the book yet. I still have a couple chapters to go. It’s divided into 4 sections, outlining the “problem” the author intends to address in the first, in the second and third, he outlines the development of agriculture, both plant and animal, and in the fourth section, he traces through the history of the development of various geographical regions, as case histories illustrating various principles.

He claims that his primary question is why different racial groups fared so differently throughout history. For example, why did the native americans get invaded by the europeans instead of vice versa. The first blush answer is obvious: Because the europeans had more advanced technology, a number of virulent diseases to which the native americans had no exposure, and thus no resistance. But then how did that come to be?

The rest of the book is support for his theory that environmental and not genetic or racial differences were the source of the distinctions.

It’s remarkably convincing, but that’s not why I find this book so interesting.

What fascinates me about this book is how it paints in broad strokes the process of social evolution. How the groups that have better tools, nastier germs, etc, come to prevail over those not so ‘blessed’. And, more significantly, how some groups come to have the better tools, nastier germs, etc.

I have more to say, that will endear this book to Josh, particularly in terms of the great hunter/gatherer debate, but I have a party to get to. 😉

Feeling better

Brief phone talk w/ . A few parties to choose from for tomorrow.

Laundry done

Made bok choy & oyster mushrooms in sesame oil and soy sauce w/ garlic. Forgot the seitan. Was still tasty.

Some tv watching w/ Abram.

Went to white horse, & hung out with interesting people. Including attractive guy with nose ring. That’s not quite a first for me, but it is close. I feel as though I’m being pulled further into counterculturalness. But in this particular case, I don’t mind.

My sore throat has fully manifested as laryngitis, something to do with talking at a bar on karaoke night. Hopefully I will be verbal again tomorrow. =)