Overactive sense of perfectionism

late night chat with in which I mentioned that a significant part of why I like him as much as I do is that he doesn’t judge me, and it just sorta spilled out that I judge myself all the time. And I do, and it’s a pain.

If anyone makes an accusation of me, I start off assuming it’s true. Only in cases of total absurdity do I feel compelled to defend myself and in those situations, it feels like what I’m really doing is keeping a grasp on the basics of reality there.

As a medic, my biggest flaw is my self-criticism. My self-mistrusting hesitance led me into a conflict on ‘graduation night’ where medic who’s been doing this since around the time I was born basically yelled at me near the beginning of shift “You’re putting pressure on yourself that doesn’t exist, there is no fucking pressure, just get out there and DO it!” or something very similar to that. Setting aside the irony inherent in that statement, it fits. As it turns out, two weeks later, when he asked me and my fellow new medics who had seen clients thus far, I was the only one. But I still don’t feel ready. I still don’t think I’m “good enough”. After every client I see, I have a list of things I could have done better. The guys watching me often have a comment or two, and one of them is usually “That was great.”

That is probably the current biggest personal development project for me. Calming the critic while maintaining my open-ness and ability to learn. Automatic self-denigration is as foolish as automatic self-aggrandizement, even if I am more comfortable with it.