I have painted myself into a corner, academically. I’ve learned all the wrong stuff for spanish, and I don’t have time to get my vocabulary up to snuff by wednesday (el examen final). Something similar regarding the hypothetical research paper on transportation economics. My shrink wisely pointed out that if I’m going to get into grad school next year, blowing off my academics is a bad idea.
And I’m not really sure grad school is what I want right now. I think I have taken the mantra of “I can be anything I want to be” as a dictate that “I better be something worthy of my abilities, dammit”. That dictate adds stress to my life that is not helping me go anywhere. It pushes me off a course that will lead to my own happiness. And I think that’s more important than my own greatness.
How does one determine what it means to “worthy” anyway? I think I need to examine that point. And find something worthy of me.
(guru mode on) If it’s happiness you seek oh young one, then it’s happiness you shall find. (guru mode off) Worthy huh? Conjures up so many synonyms and biblical implications, almost a terrifying word. It’s one of those words that have a lot to do with another’s perception as apposed to our own value system. Almost a catch 22 thing, like we want to be worthy but do we really ever find out if we are or were. It’s definitely a stress word.
I agree with what said.
Sometimes, it is hard to pull apart the strands of what we want to do, and what our hormones/neurotransmitter/whatever is wanting us to do. It is much easier to be a person who is limited in choices, either because being a bricklayer is what your dad did, and his before him, or because of only haveing so much education, or whatever.
However, you are “lucky” enough to be able to do whatever you *want* to do, but also, if you don’t *want* to do it, it generally isn’t going to get done, or at least, not as fast.
But looking at the situation, and trying to decide what is “worthy”, I am not convinced that that is what needs to be examined. What is it that you feel the best doing? I know that you want to help people, but there are lots of ways of doing that. I like to help people as much as I can, but there comes a point where I just want to shake them, smack them around a bit, and leave them with the laundry. This generally is a good indicator that I should NOT be a professional shrink.
If you are in massive need of vocational guidance, my mom has been helping people along those lines for nearly 20 years. I can send you her email if you want. She has an open door policy for my friends. She is in the DC area, but is on email quite a bit.
However, you are “lucky” enough to be able to do whatever you *want* to do, but also, if you don’t *want* to do it, it generally isn’t going to get done, or at least, not as fast.
Sounds like a pretty good characterization of how things seem to work out for me =)
But looking at the situation, and trying to decide what is “worthy”, I am not convinced that that is what needs to be examined. What is it that you feel the best doing? I know that you want to help people, but there are lots of ways of doing that.
Actually, I was pretty out of it when I wrote that. I was trying to draw a distinction between “worthy of my talents” which shows no regard for me as a person, just as a repository of talents, and “worthy of me” which is another story entirely.
Pretty much exactly the same point you’re making, except you’re phrasing it more clearly =)
If you are in massive need of vocational guidance, my mom has been helping people along those lines for nearly 20 years. I can send you her email if you want. She has an open door policy for my friends. She is in the DC area, but is on email quite a bit.
Massive need, no, but some gentle guidance would be appreciated =)
This is a question I’ve long had myself. Everyone who knows me knows that I wasn’t exactly a model student in college. I had the drive, and the talent to do whatever I wanted, learn whatever I wanted. But, in the end, the need to finally be a social human being took precedence over all of that.
Worth as you want to measure it is something that only you can do. There are the intrinsic values of money and power and independence that are invariably placed upon all of us. And for some, that would certainly qualify worth, and indeed happiness. But I think we all need to make a value call outside of those ideals given to us, and make some individual (and most certainly sometimes unpopular) decisions about what would make one happy, and feel properly stimulated, and stimulating.
Forgive me for being blunt, Stephen, but you give up too quickly. Accomplishing something significant (however you define significant) is far from effortless. The process is arduous and, yes, at times stressful. Since I’ve observed you only at a distance for many years now, perhaps I’m not the best to comment on the way you currently behave. Based on what I observed back in Pittsburgh, you demonstrated a remarkable ability to buckle under even the slightest academic pressure. While the rest of us burned the midnight oil finishing a 360 project, you’d spend half a day implementing red-black trees to store a list with 10 items, only to bail on the project because it became more stressful than educational.
You can rationalize why you gave up and say that, “Oh, it was a source of unnecessary stress in my life”. And by doing this, you aren’t always just making an empty rationalization to comfort you in a moment of failure. However, you seem to apply this particular rationalization far too often for it to be valid in every case. Not enough time to study for a Spanish final? Poo, Stephen. You can absord enough material to get an A in fewer than two or three days. I worked through most of my academic career cramming shitloads of material into my head days, or even hours before an exam. Your ability to absorb and retain information far exceeds mine, I’m sure. If you want to accomplish something, perhaps you need to be tenacious and make sacrifices. Get off gay.com and livejournal, stop traveling all over the country, and FOCUS.
I don’t mean to sound harsh, Stephen. You know, in spite of all our ups and downs, that I still love you and wish you the best. You are a remarkable person, with many wonderful qualities, and yet you are so often unhappy. Hmm, I need to go now……call me sometime, if you like.
Picking my battles
I think you’re laboring under a misapprehension or two, and a perspective on me that is no longer entirely up to date.
Forgive me for being blunt, Stephen, but you give up too quickly.
I didn’t give up. I spent most of last night working on my vocabulary. I wasn’t saying “I give up on Spanish”. I was observing that my interest is not yet focused enough to warrant grad school.
I have the discipline. When I want to, I can do amazing things. But that dependent clause is very important. If I’m going to do it, I want to do it right, and for that I have to want to do it. And at this point, I vaguely want to do it.
Based on what I observed back in Pittsburgh, you demonstrated a remarkable ability to buckle under even the slightest academic pressure.
Which was far more true then than it is now. But even then, when something piqued my interest, say a certain timing circuit in 321, or the red-black trees of 212, I went off and did it, damn the time, concentration, etc, required.
This isn’t a matter of buckling, it’s a matter of choosing my battles. And I pick the academic challenges with the greatest educational value from my perspective. I doubt I will ever have a QPA like yours or Aaron’s. And I can live with that. I learn primarily for my own personal benefit, and only secondarily to get the gold star.
You are a remarkable person, with many wonderful qualities, and yet you are so often unhappy.
Thank you, and that latter point is what I’m trying to work on. By picking the battles with the biggest benefit for the cost. Grad school offers some remarkable benefits. But the cost is far from trivial. A spanish exam, on the other hand, has a pretty good ratio 😉
And I was wrong. The exam is friday (and thus needs to be rescheduled for me personally), but today is my oral presentation. Mis vacaciones de esta vierno (my vacations of this summer).
Back to the grind.
Re: Picking my battles
de esta vierno
de esta verano, even =)
viernes is friday. Probably an accidental bastardization. So it goes.