Last ditch procrastination effort.
So, after my interview with the GAO, and subsequently beating myself up, I came to an important realization that I number of you probably think is so overwhelmingly obvious, I might as well talk about the color of grass. I’m pretty clear that a number of people have identified it as my most annoying trait, and I’m starting to see how it regularly fucks me up. My first thought on this was “chip on my shoulder”, but I rapidly came to the conclusion “something to prove” was more accurate. Much later I realized that I have _everything_ to prove.
It’s this tremendous pressure in my head. I have to prove I’m smart, that I know what’s going on and not provide misinformation. I’ve been told I can do anything, so I have to do something great. Something worthy of the potential that every freaking teacher from 1st grade on has assured my parents that I have (until college, anyway ;). That my parents were probably assuring me I had even before that. I have to show that I’m neither a flake nor mean. That I can cut it in ‘the real world’, and won’t be dependent on outside assistance, be it from my parents or whomever. I have to demonstrate that I’m not every negative adjective that I’ve ever heard anyone use to describe me (and, really, I can’t say I’ve heard that many since becoming an adult). Someone who does no harm. Someone who takes nothing, who needs nothing. Someone who makes the world a better place. Sure, lots of people have these or similar pressures. Not everyone lets it drive them to attend top schools and max out on the units, and hold down a quarter time job, and skip a stats class to take the most advanced one offered in the program. In short, not everyone lets it drive them past their limits.
I have to stay under control and never freak out. (Discounting a twice lost temper, and three times I couldn’t keep from crying my eyes out, I’ve done pretty well on that one for the past 10 years.) Two of those crying jags were over self-identified academic failures, by the way. Both of the well and truly lost temper experiences were in the presence of
Despair when I fail to live up to these expectations. The thrill of being back in the game when I manage an impressive accomplishment, an unexpected recovery, whatevr. Makes for a pretty bipolar life.
How the GAO fits in is pretty obvious to me. It’s a respected organization, it does good work (even if it often plays Cassandra). An internship there would be a clear sign of my ‘worthiness’ (for about a week). Then, once I got in, true to form, I’d be asking myself what I was doing there. Babbling in the interview about past difficulties writing, and recounting my failures to perform, and my progress towards capability was just another way of confessing to my sins in hopes of forgiveness, and asking them to confirm that I am worthy. I tried to recruit them for my script.
I have a vision of myself in the future, and have had it for a long time. It’s an oddly simple idea. Gardening outside my house in the country, content with myself. I don’t know how I got the self-contentment wrapped up in that image, but there it is, nonetheless. Nothing to prove. Self-acceptance.
The journey from here to there is a mystery. Some of my decisions are clearly problematic. My courseload this semester for instance. But at the same time, I still think policy school was a good decision for me. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with my imperatives… as goals, not imperatives.
What to do about it is a post for another time, I should be getting to work. =)
Yeah, I could have written that. Large portions of it, anyway. Growing up, I was constantly badgered with folks trying to encourage me to use my potential. I displayed skill in academics, art, and handling a computer. I didn’t rise to the challenge; I retreated and did as little as I could get by with. Trying to meet those expectations was overwhelming.
Now I’m thirty-seven years old and I’m still hearing those voices. I’m learning to ignore those thoughts that say I should be “doing something with my life” — which means that my current life isn’t good enough, when I really enjoy my life most of the time.
I think a lot of people can relate to those feelings. Time to catch yourself before burnout occurs if it hasn’t already. What’s admiring is that you have done something with it. I’d say look at your circle of friends and decide from there how much they think you’re worth. After all, they are not your friends for nothing.
From the age of 4, my parents and the “gifted coordinators” they recruited haven’t stopped telling me what a millionaire genius I’m destined to be, and how different I am from normal people.
Clearly, I’m still in my defiant stage.
You’re defiant alright. The way you blend in with the every day man is truly a sight to behold. =)
I wonder whether this issue is more universal than I previously thought. And by that I mean more than that I’ve experienced something similar (which I have). Perhaps most children, whether “gifted” or “[insert label here]” must come to terms with the labels and expectations of their authority figures and their peers before they can travel an authentic path.
I have some idyllic Brook Farm fantasies, too. Maybe if Big Eden were believable I would tolerate vegging in Kalispell or somewhere similarly beautiful and remote.
I’m not sure that it’s a bad thing to feel like you have something to prove.
To echo what already said, “I wonder whether this issue is more universal than I previously thought,” because I’d have to chime in with the Me-Too’s on this one. I’ve always felt self-driven to excel at anything I take on, and shared the extremes of disappointment and self-defeat when I don’t live up to my own expectations, even when nobody is looking. Then again, I too was always labeled as “different” and later “gifted”, and I also often thought there was some “middle child” effect in me, where I felt the need to stand out between the bookend brothers who always seemed to get more attention.
In either case, when properly recognized and controlled, being strongly self-driven isn’t always such a bad thing. I think there are a lot of career options where a self-motivated, quality-oriented worker can really achieve, and be rewarded for their efforts and successes. I’m not talking about real-estate or investment banking type activities either, although it might well be true there, and I certainly don’t mean just financial rewards or success. I do think a job well done is some reward in itself, and respect and appreciation from peers is rewarding as well. For example, in my world of materials science & electrical engineering, I’ve met with quite a bit of technical success because I’m driven to do a good job – to exceed the expectations of what should be done. One example is publishing technical papers — in most of the settings I’ve worked in, that’s entirely optional, but if you’re willing to do the extra work to produce high-quality material deemed publication worthy, well, then you can do that. And there’s certainly satisfaction from seeing good work published, and later referenced, and later getting calls or emails about your published work – having people refer to you as an “expert.” The upsides: I’ve gotten to travel to choice locations, as well as have a lot more choice and flexibility in the projects I want to work on, because managers know they can rely on me to do a good job. And of course, there’s the satisfaction of being recognized as a darned good engineer and hard worker. And although I’d like to say it isn’t a motivator, I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t admit that the financial rewards are nice to have too.
I also related to your mention of “freaking out” or “losing your temper.” Been there, done that, too. I’ve calmed down considerably in the past few years; maybe aging, maybe the chilling effect of living in a frozen tundra. I don’t know.
At the same time, I’m a bit envious of the folks who are far more carefree about everything they do, and don’t seem to worry about details or quality, or even care about showing up. I’m jealous of people who take sick days because they don’t feel like going to work, or want to enjoy a nice day. Still, though while they look happier from the outside, I just don’t know. Seems to me like you must have some purpose in life, and want to live well and if you’ve got to be working, well why not do that well too?
Don’t know where this is going, but definitely something I can relate to too.
Although not in a tu-tu.
Ta-ta.