I originally had something in mind to say here, but the longer I go on, the less clear it is what I want to say. Partially I want to recap the whole of “Sexual Ecology” into a compressed memetic virus which will go forth, infect us all, and prevent future numbskull behavior. The basic prescriptive thesis of the book is that gay men need to try for more serial monogamy, and a lower rate of partner change, as the “condom code” isn’t terribly effective, particularly in an environment of frequent partner change. Another interesting point he makes is that, even if HIV is “cured”, the interactive patterns that men who have sex with men have makes way for more, similar nasty infectious diseases. I can’t remember if he explicitly makes the point, but I certainly got the point that effective HIV treatment meds will increase the incidence, both by keeping the HIV+ folks alive longer (good) and by allowing the irresponsible among them (a minority of a minority, but a damn dangerous one) to keep spreading it after they would otherwise have been incapacitated and died. (bad?) The gay guys who were going through their coming out in the 70’s and to a lesser extent in the 80’s, suffered a form of natural selection. Many of the reckless ones didn’t make it. Enter HIV meds, and you have where we are now. That’s excessively brief and entirely inadequate as a description, but it’ll do for now.
Another thing I wanted to do was talk a little bit more about the inside of my skull, both how I’m dealing with the current state of affairs and what led to the current state of affairs. Clearly I did some numbskull stuff myself. In the past I’ve been, not so much an advocate of, as a reliable practitioner of open relationships. I’ve broken the condom code (I have never had unprotected anal sex while in a relationship, either in or outside the context of that relationship. In fact, while in a relationship, I’ve never had anal sex outside it. Can I say that I was rationally calculating the risks, and weighing the risk of stds against the short term benefits of immediate buttsex? Not honestly.
Generally, in my case, it was an implicit undervaluation of the self. Desperate longing for affection. High stress. Resignation and passivity. An urge to make others happy. I never did it unconscious of the risk. I never initiated unsafe sex. But, by the same token I rarely stopped it. Damn stupid.
I’m trying not to judge myself too harshly on this one. But every time someone makes sympathy noises towards me, I reflexively do the verbal equivalent of batting their hands away, “Well, these things happen.”. I want to be strong, and I know I can get through life on my own, functionally with little problem. I fear how others will react (though no one I’ve told so far has reacted negatively). And at the same time I want somone to comfort me, tell me that I’m still a good and worthy person. That everything will be okay. They are tough urges to reconcile, even leaving aside.
I vascilate between believing “unpleasant surgery with a probable quick recovery, and some dude looking up my butt once every couple weeks for awhile. Sure, less than optimal, but not really a big deal,” and feeling like damaged goods that will contaminate everything it (I) come into contact with. Bleh!
Too tired to think clearly, bleh. Night, night.
I entirely sympathize with those feelings.
My friends also try to talk me out of objectively confronting my behavior. When I say that I was stupid, or that I betrayed the agreement I had with my partner, I’m simply stating the facts of the matter. How can I honestly evaluate my behavior and learn from it if everybody is trying to deny it?
By the way, everything is going to be okay. 🙂
HPV is related to anal cancer, so you should definitely get it treated.
I went the acid route, which sorta worked, then got a recurrence, so got the surgical cutting route. Not pleasant for a while, but definitely more effective. But if you do surgery, you get to get drugs. 🙂 Narcotics too.
There’s a really good proctologist in SF whom I recommend. Might want to check with a gay doctor to see if there’re gay-friendly proctologists in your area. I went to one who was homophobic– rather, homophob- Ick! The good thing about the surgical route is that I haven’t had a recurrence since.
There’s no reason for you to not get treatment cuz the warts can grow and grow, causing problems. And of course, they don’t know too much about HPV yet.
Do not worry, leaving this untended is about the last coping mechanism on my mind.
since you’ve researched this, i’m trying to understand how the surgical route works, if the virus is supposed to be floating around through your whole blood system. or is it really only a local infection? surgical solutions seem (in some eyes) to be permanent, but is it coincidence, or is there a reason?
and also – i had some plantar warts not long ago which were hard to get rid of – and i somehow chanced upon a podiatrist who seemed more up on techniques, who used laser treatment (not surgery in a traditional sense) to get rid of them, and it was fast and easy, and they haven’t come back that. i have no idea if you have options like that.
My understanding is that the virus infects the skin cells and never makes it into the circulatory system.
Apparently clinical studies have shown that surgery has the lowest recurrence rate (1 in 5). That’s a pretty high recurrence rate, but given that I’ve caught it “so early” my chances of avoiding recurrence are probably higher.