Category: Uncategorized

You have already lost (but you can play again)

I feel like the evenings where I get home and wonder “Well, what do I do now?” are evenings where I have already lost. The most fun evenings are the ones where I know I’m going to do some particular fun thing, and I go do it without worrying about it.

Instead I come home, look in the fridge and think “Wait, do I want to eat yet? Shouldn’t I go to the gym? Or maybe I should see if anyone’s on WoW. Hmmm, I haven’t caught up with my LJ list recently…” etc, etc. Indecision paralysis is no fun. Besides, the gym should be an automatic habit. There should be no question, I should go, I should workout. It’s just a habit I’m not in yet.

There will be future repetitions of this game. Perhaps I will get better at it.

IML

It’s looking more and more like I won’t see any of International Mr Leather* (Chicago’s memorial day weekend ginormous homo male leather (and bear) convention, for those not in the know.)

I mean, I’ve been a multiple time gawker at Folsom, and a one time gawker at Dore alley. This is more convention and less street fair, but I’m still only marginally interested. This is my third time being in town for it I think, maybe 4th, but I don’t think so. I think I was in London this time last year. Or maybe Heidelberg. *shrug*

Stupid grocery delivery people dropping by my place last on their run. Teaches me not to pick the 5.5 hour delivery window.

* = Someone informed me, incorrectly, that it was international male leather. I don’t really care, but dude, check the website. Mister, not male.

Unmuddling Stimulus Response and the state of the scu

A few years ago, in a car with , when we were coming back to the bay area from a trip to a mountain river valley thing (very outdoorsy) I had a half-formed idea which I tried to communicate. If we respond to our internal states, in various ways. If we’re hungry, we eat, thirsty, we drink, tired, we sleep, at least in theory, when things are working well.

But what if we eat when we’re tired. Or we intoxicate ourselves when we’re lonely. And then there’s the internal states that don’t have a good default, disappointed, stressed, angry, whatever. I tried to make the analogy with Charlie that maybe he worked out as his usual response for something which usually led me to seek out a trick (saying that his was probably usually the better approach). Because the idea was not fully formed, and because I was getting embarrassed by the message, I just dropped it.

But I still think it’s valid. And if I default to running when I’m lonely that’s not going to help the loneliness (nor with the knees for that matter). My sex life has slowed down lately, in a good way. Maybe I replaced my bored-and-uncertain-about-my-evening default of gay.com or other sites with similarly ambiguous missions with World of Warcraft. Okay, so maybe that’s not all good news.

I still miss frequent interactions with people I know well, who know me well. I miss living with Simon, , , Ro and even . (though I never lived with all at the same time…) Sure, I IM with Tom, WoW with Simon and visit the others occasionally, but that’s not a good substitute. I’m really glad lives so close. And it was great having over on Friday.

Every person has a reason not to reach out to them. She’s too conservative, he’s too desperate for attention, she has an annoying habit of not listening, he makes excessive use of she-bonics, whatever. But maybe those reasons aren’t good in the aggregate. Too many such good reasons lead to a very lonely place. Time and patience, and willingness to live with one’s hunger rather than fill up on bread before the meal arrives might be a good thing. All things in good time. And now, I think it is the time for sleep.