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just piled blankets pillows, and a few tissues over my back while I was lying on his living room futon computing away, then stuck an umbrella between my upraised, besocked feet, and strung me with one of those christmas tree strings of silver balls, all with the nonchalant air of someone cooking dinner. said I looked like a strange sort of turtle. Though I am somewhat disappointed that I have no pictures to share. =)

But they have extra gym passes, so I’m gonna go workout. Woohoo. =)

So, what is an intentional living community?

For food not bombs this week, we used this strange vegetable, it was small, green, tasty, and shaped like a little beholder (of D&D fame). To be more precise, it was a green ball slightly larger than a kumquat, slightly smaller than a lime, and it had these little stalks sprouting up over the top of it, reaching straight up. It is peeled and cooked, but raw it had a vaguely potatoish taste, only slightly sweeter and ‘green’er.

Name that vegetable! (I honestly forget =)

To die, to sleep
To sleep perchance to dream,
Aye there’s the rub,
For in that sleep of death
What dreams may come?

-Shakespeare

They say
“None but the dead sleep”
But I am tired, and my eyes are closing
Please God, not me, not here, not now.

-Beth Ciha

If hopes were dupes, then fears may be liars
It may be in yon smoke concealed
that your comrades chase e’en now the flyers
And, but for you, possess the field
…
And not by eastern windows only,
When the daylight comes, comes in the light
In front the sun climbs slow, how slowly
But westward look, the land is bright

-Clough

My candle burns at both ends, it will not last the night
But ah my foes and oh my friends it gives a lovely light

-Edna St Vincent Millay

That ones definitely pushing the theme.

I want to be exposed to more quality poetry. And maybe do some work in composition thereof myself. Hmmm….

Pointed chad off to the bart station, then finished packing in time for Rohan’s arrival. We drove the long way to the airport (to avoid the congestion, which was fine by me.

I put p l e n t y of padding in my plans. Hours more than was necessary as it turns out. Airport was a ghost town. It’s actually kind of spooky to see previously bustling terminals half closed and unused in the middle of the week day. I’d like to think it’s just the recent holiday, and not a sign of the current state of travel, but I wonder.

Much reading of Please Understand Me II on the plane. I think I better understand what the various typological categorizations mean. They’re somewhat better than astrology, though it’s far from rigorous science, pretend though the author might. He offers some stuff that sounds an awful lot like “historically in western thought we’ve had lots of people who defined 4 basic personality types, therefore there must be some validity to it, and these 4 types in particular.” His lack of rigor in this facet aside, I have a general belief in the usefulness of his ideas of differentiating personality types, in part to increase understanding and improve communication between individuals of differing natures, as well as further appreciation of their different contributions, and I’ve found the system useful for those goals, so I’m not knocking it (too much).

Oh, and my snack was a bag of potato chips, carrot sticks, some variety of vinegrette dressing, a small apple, and a cucumber-lettuce-tomato sandwich on whole wheat bread. I dislike cucumber, but even so… Apparently, they’ve never heard of ‘complete protein’ found even in such exotic and esoteric dishes as ‘peanut butter and jelly sandwiches’. I guess the airlines industry is running into hard times.

Another chapter and a half of GG&S down. Had trouble understanding what was going on in the chapter on the polynesian expansion. It’s a topic in world history I’m essentially wholly unfamiliar with, it’s in the examples section (my least preferred section), and I took a long break in the middle of it. Probably explains it, oh well, my loss, but not a huge one, I can always go back and read it again. The native american section contained more familiar participants, was more thoroughly referenced in earlier sections, and had less in the way of complicated cultural, racial and linguistic diffusion (native americans were comparatively far less mobile) to track across the more familiar geography of my home continent(s). And I still didn’t get all of it.

One more chapter (why africa is black), the epilogue, and then I will attempt to compose a more thorough summary, as per ‘s request.

and whisked me back to their place, where cheeseless veggie pizza (for me), cheesy veggie pizza (for greg) and a sub (for regan) were consumed. We also played a game of Carcassonne: Hunters & Gatherers. I’m not sure who won, but regardless, fun was had. Thanks and for leaving it behind. =)

I was then plied with soymilk laced with alcohol and treats left over from their nye party. Then sleepytime, before which I had a nice chat with regarding my day which got dominated by a discussion of whether bullies ought to make the rules, the meaning of “strength”, and the power to persist.

Now it is time for me to sleep. See y’all on the flipside.

Posting a comment in an older entry in ‘s journal, I am reminded of a very pleasant experience from octoberish of 2000, whilst I was living in chicago.

It was a thursday evenig. I had just had an awkward but pleasant hanging out with a couple of people I’d met before I’d moved to chicago. I was skating along buena(?) back to my car in the parking lot in the park at irving park road, and I took the tunnel into the peace garden. There was this guy sitting on the stone wall off to the left as I was heading off to the right. He looked seriously down, and seriously cute. I cast a look over my shoulder (returned by him) and skated towards the stairs off to the right, then paused, started climbing, looked back again (again with the eye contact), and skated over and sat on his left side.

I introduced myself, and said what was up with me, then asked him what was wrong. He had had big badness happen in his life, his job had crumbled due to illegal action on the part of his boss, blah, blah, blah. I asked if he was hungry, he said yeah, and I took him out to the Chicago Diner, where we were waited on by cute waiter who called me once, but not twice (oh well). Long conversation, getting to know one another, telling me all sorts of stories about his youth. Then walking back to my car. Expressing the wish that we could hang out A very encouraging kiss goodnight.

His name was Randy.

I lost his number. And was pretty neurotic about it. I even went back to the peace garden for the following two thursday evenings (all the way from schaumburg, which is like 30-40 minutes drive even in zero traffic, and this was not zero traffic by a long shot). No joy. I wish things had gone differently, but I honestly don’t think I would recognize him if he and I shook hands today.

Enough wool-gathering, time for work.

late night chat with in which I mentioned that a significant part of why I like him as much as I do is that he doesn’t judge me, and it just sorta spilled out that I judge myself all the time. And I do, and it’s a pain.

If anyone makes an accusation of me, I start off assuming it’s true. Only in cases of total absurdity do I feel compelled to defend myself and in those situations, it feels like what I’m really doing is keeping a grasp on the basics of reality there.

As a medic, my biggest flaw is my self-criticism. My self-mistrusting hesitance led me into a conflict on ‘graduation night’ where medic who’s been doing this since around the time I was born basically yelled at me near the beginning of shift “You’re putting pressure on yourself that doesn’t exist, there is no fucking pressure, just get out there and DO it!” or something very similar to that. Setting aside the irony inherent in that statement, it fits. As it turns out, two weeks later, when he asked me and my fellow new medics who had seen clients thus far, I was the only one. But I still don’t feel ready. I still don’t think I’m “good enough”. After every client I see, I have a list of things I could have done better. The guys watching me often have a comment or two, and one of them is usually “That was great.”

That is probably the current biggest personal development project for me. Calming the critic while maintaining my open-ness and ability to learn. Automatic self-denigration is as foolish as automatic self-aggrandizement, even if I am more comfortable with it.

“Do not believe that he who seeks to comfort you lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life has much difficulty and sadness. . . were it otherwise; he would never have been able to find those words.”

A taste of what’s been sorely absent from my life of late

What with my little sister’s surprise wedding & all next tuesday, I’m going to be in pittsburgh again real soon now. Will any of y’all be around to hang out with, or offer me a little crash space? =)

Flight: US Airways flight 74 (Non-Stop)
Depart: San Francisco, CA (SFO) – TERMINAL 1
” Sat, Jan 04 at 1:45pm
Arrive: Pittsburgh, PA (PIT) – Terminal Information Unavailable
” Sat, Jan 04 at 9:24pm

Flight: US Airways flight 73 (Non-Stop)
Depart: Pittsburgh, PA (PIT) – Terminal Information Unavailable
” Wed, Jan 08 at 9:15am
Arrive: San Francisco, CA (SFO) – TERMINAL 1
” Wed, Jan 08 at 11:42am