Author: cheerfulchaotic

The bagpipers =)

Selling off my worldly goods (particularly furniture) sometime over the weekend of the 10th. Details forthcoming. Probably have some sort of an openhouse style thing.

For less than $400 (US) I could be pretty much guaranteed a permanent residency in Canada. Should I happen to find a job in Toronto, of course 😉

Not as far behind on spanish as I thought. I need to turn in two papers on language learning strategies, answer some questions regarding a film we saw at the beginning of the semester, and I’m good to go =)

And of course spend much of tomorrow studying up on the stuff =)

I have painted myself into a corner, academically. I’ve learned all the wrong stuff for spanish, and I don’t have time to get my vocabulary up to snuff by wednesday (el examen final). Something similar regarding the hypothetical research paper on transportation economics. My shrink wisely pointed out that if I’m going to get into grad school next year, blowing off my academics is a bad idea.

And I’m not really sure grad school is what I want right now. I think I have taken the mantra of “I can be anything I want to be” as a dictate that “I better be something worthy of my abilities, dammit”. That dictate adds stress to my life that is not helping me go anywhere. It pushes me off a course that will lead to my own happiness. And I think that’s more important than my own greatness.

How does one determine what it means to “worthy” anyway? I think I need to examine that point. And find something worthy of me.

So, a few years ago, I met a guy online. Kinda cute, though not in your typical sort of way. Totally fell for him. Then he went back to his ex wife, with whom he had had a kid. Fast forward a couple of years. I leave pittsburgh, and come back to find that he’s still interested in guys (surprise, surprise), has had a serious boyfriend, and is now hung up on him, as well as his ex wife.

And he runs completely hot & cold on me. Occassional, very very hot running, with lengthy disappearances. Very very confusing.

Run across him online again. Made plans to see him next week. My brain is telling me that I’m cruising for an emotional bruising, but I find this guy so physically and emotionally appealing it’s kinda scary.

There’s something deeply ironic in pacifistic, non-conformist, anti-establishment me falling for a cop.

But, still, after talking with him, and expressing, more clearly than I ever have before, my attraction to him, and having a reciprocation of that, I feel that it’s all okay. (Nevermind that anything between us has a guaranteed, very small, maximum duration built in, he’s emotionally tied to pittsburgh, and I’m bound by wanderlust)

So, biking 150 miles hurt, pretty badly. Though now the sunburn is the only part that’s really bothering me. What was really cool about it for me was that it was like a long moving meditation. I will definitely be doing more long distance biking.

Pictures will be posted later. Working on the Spanish now.

I’m in Boston, on tim’s living room floor, listening to Tim and Doug interact, talking about Tim’s work troubles, while catching up on stuff.

Getting tired.

New rule: no browsing of pictures of my exes & almost exes. Especially the cute ones. Especially not when I’m bone tired. Very bad for the mental balance.

I just had the gayest dream ever and no sex was involved.

A group of people, mostly, if not entirely guys, including myself are walking along forbes past Hamburg Hall, and I start to sing Everything Possible, a song that we (the chicago gay men’s chorus) sang with the heartland men’s chorus last year at ye ol pride concert. And everyone else starts to sing along, including random passersby. In harmony.

I am so gay.