Author: cheerfulchaotic

childhood stories

So there’s some messy crap that went down late in my first decade/early in my second. I mention it in my webpage, without giving much detail. Twice in the past couple of days, I’ve told the story, including much more detail, to a couple of young gentlemen. It’s kinda strange. It used to be, a long time ago, I dropped out my emotional baggage baggage to everyone, and it got to the point where it was about as meaningful to me as “Hi, how are you?”.

I’ve been much more impacted by my recent retellings. I’ve almost felt like I was reliving it. <sigh> If I cried more easily, my cheeks would be wet.

Sexual Self-Control

Pretty, pretty guy. Radically disparate beliefs from me, and strange ideas about the way the world/this country work (unsurprising, given he grew up in uzbekistan). Pretty pretty. Not so good with english, but neat accent. Pretty, pretty. And a sweet guy. Obviously lonely, and obviously yearning for human connection. Pretty smart. Oh yeah. And he has herpes. <sigh>.

So, herpes is way contagious (assuming even minor sexual contact), and totally incurable. And I’m currently (some would say ‘miraculously’) negative for it. I really want to stay that way. & I was all doe-eyed over this guy because he was soooo pretty. I need a libido block installed.

I also need to thank him for being honest with me, and express my admiration for his forthrightness. Bleh.

If I’m going to be useless today anyway…

I might as well take some quizes. Oh, but wait, these are job-hunting-tastic quizes, so maybe they aren’t so useless after all. I think more than anything else, not knowing what I really want to do is crippling my job hunt.

Enneagram

First categorization: Romantic (4), with Thinker (5) right on its heels, followed at a moderate distant by a Peace-maker(9)/Motivator(3) tie. Interesting to note, I have a big fat 0 as my Leadership (8) type score. And who is really surprised by that? Helper (2) and Reformer (1) were really low (which surprised me, though in truth, it kinda fits), while Questioner (6) and Enthusiast (ie bon vivant) (7) were there. So, to digest this crap into english (not entirely unlike reading tarot cards):

I jump into life heart first (see earlier bad poetry), and I’m majorly intellectual/analytical/curious. I dislike direct conflict, and work to promote harmony while having a strong competitive streak, and the desire to excel. I hate to tell others what to do, and will go along with others so long as it doesn’t conflict with anything important to me. I do not spring to help neediness on my doorstep, and I will not fix your problems. Nor am I concerned about what I ‘ought’ to be doing.

How this relates to prior employment experience: All my computer/technical jobs had nothing to do with the heart. And thus, I failed to care about them. Maybe not that cut and dried, but close. Tutoring and peer counseling were good for me in that they were more human-based, but still they weren’t quite it. I was an especially poor match to tech support, given that I had no direct drive to help people. (and it showed as can probably attest, to my chagrin.)

What this suggests that I should be looking for: Something that speaks to the heart. Something that requires intelligence and thought. Something where harmony/connection is important. Something where accomplishment and progress is valued.

More on this can be found at: http://www.9types.com/

Myers-Briggs

Motivation

My job hunt went from slowly progressing to glacially. Over the past week, I put in application at berkeley bowl, and followed up on it. Oh, and gave a copy of my resume to ben (of mountainview) to pass along to a guy who’s apparently looking for a large number of consultant type people. Thank you, Ben. =)

Anyone who is going to tell me I really ought to be getting my job hunt on can fuck off. I know that. Guilt has been tried, and totally fails to motivate me. Fear hasn’t been doing such a great job either. Definitely there, gnawing at my heels, but not getting me to move in a directed fashion.

I’m thinking of setting aside X time, on Y days to do the job hunt (say 11-6, m-f) and giving myself the rest of my time to put the job hunt back in the kennel, and work on the rest of my life.

I think it’s my tremendous sense of insecurity that’s driving my man hunt. Must channel towards finding work….

Blah.

I’m afraid that if I do find a job, it’ll be another doin-it-for-the-money deal. I’m not even really sure what I want to do (as opposed to what I’m willing to do)

owning grief, owning fear

Denial is a pervasive problem with humanity in general, and for me in particular. Particularly the denial of emotion. In my case, the deeply ingrained reflex to deny the unpleasant, or, more accurately, to stoically endure it, in a sense forswearing the fear and grief that naturally arise from such leads to me sitting on my ass, wasting away the day to a nameless ennui.

I really can’t solve problems that I refuse to acknowledge. Bleh.

It’s hard on the heart to keep meeting people dick first. I give a bit of my heart each time. And even if I factor out every biological risk (which I do my best to do), that wears one down, if it’s unreturned. Empty hearted sportfucking makes me sad.

So often when I get it on, I’m looking for something very different. Probably another case of looking for the wallet lost in the alley under the streetlamp.

Time to step into less familiar terrain?