Author: cheerfulchaotic

I just wanna level ranger.

Figuring out (and doing) what I want to do with my life is turning out to be a most nontrivial endeavor. But I don’t think I’d really want to do it if it were trivial.

It’s iffy, but here’s hoping he likes it. He has a woody for specific applications and apparently for the scientific method applied to the extent possible to urban studies.

I will be making a comparison of the transportation corridors for pittsburgh’s east busway and southside rail cooridor between the 80 and 90 censuses, contrasted with another transportation corridor which was well established within the greater pittsburgh area by that time and which did not experience major transportation infrastructure upgrades in the same time period. In particular, I will be examining the effects on commute time, land values or unit rental prices, and housing tenure in the travelsheds surrounding the east busway, the T, and I-376. I suspect that commute times will decrease, land values or rental prices will increase. I hypothesize that housing tenure analysis will demonstrate a significant change in residents at the time.

I intend to use data from the decennial census, and attempt to access resources from Pittsburgh’s public transportation agency, the Port Authority of Allegheny county, and possibly the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation.

As an elaboration of the notion that “gay cultures” are a better model for the social organization of the homo identified than “the gay community”, I present three basic homo cultures.

The central defining feature of each culture I’m presenting is their erotic aesthetic. Each of these crowds tend toward different meeting places (separate bars, frequently), and different attitudes. I’ll be getting into my perceptions of each, including likes and dislikes.

Bear culture eroticizes large, hairy (facial, body, anywhere you can grow it) men, tending at least as much towards fat as it does towards muscle. Another major feature of this group is the “come as you are” mentality. A very egalitarian attitude towards sexual attraction, if not appearance in general, more descriptive than prescriptive. Beyond that it gets harder to say, there are subgroups that tend towards public displays of sexuality, leather (as a fetish unto itself, as well as shorthand for s&m), blue-collar-ness, and a more casual, laid back attitude. Attitudes towards food are similarly casual and open. I like the calmness, the casualness, and the openness of this value system. The leather (in both regards) is a gripe. In general, the anything-goes-ness of the culture makes it hard for me to get riled up by it, though I would say that I’m uncertain a haven of unconditional acceptance is always positive.

Gym culture uses the gym as many religiously oriented people use churches. A social center as well as a guide towards appropriate values and behavior. The major aesthetic is muscle. More of it, and less fat hiding it. Often, hair is removed to better display definition. This is an elitist/hierarchical/meritocratic aesthetic, prescriptive, more than descriptive, and very body focused. Food and behavior are carefully analyzed and chosen in attempts to improve one’s valuation in terms of the aesthetic pecking order. (Ask any gym-goer about their routine and, if you’re not a gym-goer, you may be surprised by the detail).

Fashionista culture, as I somewhat abusively call it, focuses a great deal on appearances, particularly, clothing and hair. Namebrands are prized. Hair bleaching or dying, plucking, careful coordination of outfits, etc. The focus is artistic, working creatively within a medium (the casually visible parts of a person), though whether the result is creative or not varies rather alot (or perhaps not so much, depending on your perspective). This is probably the one of the three mentioned that I have the most difficulty understanding, as I have an automatic mental rejection due to associating it with exclusion and contempt based on financial means, social class, involuntary aspects of appearance, and other such criteria.

Nobody polices these cultures to make sure that people aren’t walking across multiple boundaries, and people do. Gymbears, gymfashionistas, even fashionistabears (gotta be one out there somewhere) exist.

Though, it occurs to me, having written this, that these cultural divisions are far from unique to the gay community, but perhaps some food for thought.

Three weeks into courses which I pick because I’m interested in the topic but don’t know much about it yet, I’m supposed to be ready to select a paper topic. And provide data sources.

What the fuck? Hello, people, if this is anything other than an exercise in my ability to pull bullshit out of my ass, or to pretend I already know what is going on, maybe you should wait until I have the first clue what the hell is going on before asking me to proprose a brilliant thesis.

Asshattery abounds.

Massive feelings of Bleh.

I did _nothing_ on sunday (except level blm, and watch “2 brothers [and 2 others]”).

My gao app, and as I found out today, my networks & places topic proposal should both have received some attention. Plus, the webpage for our department is as fucked as it ever was, and I no more have the access to fix it now than I did last week. Or two months ago, for that matter, when I told her I needed the damn access. And now I have to clean up after their quick establishment of a service they weren’t ready to use. Great. I want to be a TA in the fall. Screw this RA crap.

Hurty-anxious-want-support-anger. I think that’s a good summary of my current mood. Bleh. Oh yeah, don’t forget unmotivated.

So, I informed the CA tax board that I was not resident in CA in 2001 so they dropped off that particular $550 charge. Now they want me to file for my income from october – dec of 2002. or pay $350. How much work and annoyance would it be to get the documentation for my income in that time (from adecco and Ro), and turn it around to pay potentially substantially less in taxes v just biting the bullet and paying the $350?

Bleh, I say. Bleh!

In response to a comment by on a post in ‘s journal, I present yet another polwonk diatribe

My superbowl sunday involved getting mesharr to blm17. Warp-tastic, baby. Now I need to get it high enough that I have 100mp to cast it as a sub to thf. Then get thief high enough to take advantage. I’m not done with her just yet.

Of course, by the time I get around to buying/playing WoW (probably a post-finals reward), it’ll be such old news, and/or all my friends will be partially infused with infinity. *shrug* We shall see. =)

Oh, right, the GAO app. About that….

So, the warts are unlikely to kill me. My lab results reminded me of what may well get me first:

Lipid Profile:

substance	measurement (units unknown)	normal range	my interpretation
Glucose	78	65-110	This is good news. I’m showing no sign of or tendency towards diabetes
Cholesterol	174	110-199	I am screwed. Of the items in this category none are on the good side of the normal range, only one is in the middle of the range (triglycerides) and everything else is on the bad end of the “normal” range, except for HDL (“good” cholesterol) which is out of the normal range in the bad direction. My uncle the doc gave me a blood test at one point, said that he usually used the HDL:LDL ratio as a diagnostic tool, and that to most people with results like mine, he’d say “Quit smoking and start exercising.” Bleh!
Triglycerides	102	40-149
HDL	38	41-95
LDL	116	60-130

I don’t smoke, I barely drink, I exercise fairly regularly, and I’m vegan. Not that vegan has any inherent health advantage over vegetarian on this one. And a glass of red wine with dinner is supposed to help with the blood factors. Pity I think wine tastes like ass, and it’s hella expensive.

I think upping the aerobics in frequency (I’ve definitely led that slide this winter) and being more careful about the nutritive content of my meals (more whole foods, fewer processed fats and sugars) should definitely become a priority. One can hardly rail against one’s genetics, though the temptation is certainly there, it does no good, even if it made any sense. I don’t need to watch the caloric content, but I ought to be more careful about the composition of my diet. I’ve gone nuts on processed fatty/sweet things (soygurt smoothies, tofurkey bratwurst, nayonaisse, clif bars, vegan brownies and cookies, etc.) Le sigh.

I originally had something in mind to say here, but the longer I go on, the less clear it is what I want to say. Partially I want to recap the whole of “Sexual Ecology” into a compressed memetic virus which will go forth, infect us all, and prevent future numbskull behavior. The basic prescriptive thesis of the book is that gay men need to try for more serial monogamy, and a lower rate of partner change, as the “condom code” isn’t terribly effective, particularly in an environment of frequent partner change. Another interesting point he makes is that, even if HIV is “cured”, the interactive patterns that men who have sex with men have makes way for more, similar nasty infectious diseases. I can’t remember if he explicitly makes the point, but I certainly got the point that effective HIV treatment meds will increase the incidence, both by keeping the HIV+ folks alive longer (good) and by allowing the irresponsible among them (a minority of a minority, but a damn dangerous one) to keep spreading it after they would otherwise have been incapacitated and died. (bad?) The gay guys who were going through their coming out in the 70’s and to a lesser extent in the 80’s, suffered a form of natural selection. Many of the reckless ones didn’t make it. Enter HIV meds, and you have where we are now. That’s excessively brief and entirely inadequate as a description, but it’ll do for now.

Another thing I wanted to do was talk a little bit more about the inside of my skull, both how I’m dealing with the current state of affairs and what led to the current state of affairs. Clearly I did some numbskull stuff myself. In the past I’ve been, not so much an advocate of, as a reliable practitioner of open relationships. I’ve broken the condom code (I have never had unprotected anal sex while in a relationship, either in or outside the context of that relationship. In fact, while in a relationship, I’ve never had anal sex outside it. Can I say that I was rationally calculating the risks, and weighing the risk of stds against the short term benefits of immediate buttsex? Not honestly.

Generally, in my case, it was an implicit undervaluation of the self. Desperate longing for affection. High stress. Resignation and passivity. An urge to make others happy. I never did it unconscious of the risk. I never initiated unsafe sex. But, by the same token I rarely stopped it. Damn stupid.

I’m trying not to judge myself too harshly on this one. But every time someone makes sympathy noises towards me, I reflexively do the verbal equivalent of batting their hands away, “Well, these things happen.”. I want to be strong, and I know I can get through life on my own, functionally with little problem. I fear how others will react (though no one I’ve told so far has reacted negatively). And at the same time I want somone to comfort me, tell me that I’m still a good and worthy person. That everything will be okay. They are tough urges to reconcile, even leaving aside.

I vascilate between believing “unpleasant surgery with a probable quick recovery, and some dude looking up my butt once every couple weeks for awhile. Sure, less than optimal, but not really a big deal,” and feeling like damaged goods that will contaminate everything it (I) come into contact with. Bleh!

Too tired to think clearly, bleh. Night, night.