Dating Incompatabilites, and Casual quickies

In response to an entry in ‘s journal.

He was nice and intelligent, but sometimes I find that two peoples’ personalities don’t exactly fit, though not for any particular reason. Am I the only one this happens to?

Not by a loooong shot. This typefies the bulk of my dating experience out here. And it’s probably why a number of friends have [wisely] recommended that one do the vast majority of one’s dating from within the field of people you’ve met through friends. That seems to be how most successful relationships form. Its main flaw is that cultivating relationships (of the pants on sort) with no romantic intent to them is indirect. It can also lead to accusations of using people, but if you aren’t forming good connections along the way then you’re doing it wrong.

As for the hookup thing, well, I think I’m probably the person you know best who has done similar things, and maybe I can offer some insight. I generally prefer not to expose my cohabitants to such, though I’m not totally rigid about that. Abram has seen it once or twice. For me, it’s mostly hormones and habit. Maybe it all started because I got a late start on masturbation (I was fooling around with someone else before fooling around solo, oddly enough).

But, I usually hold out some hope for something more from my one night stands. Example: when first meeting the first two of my three past bf’s, well, pantslessness occurred before our first dinner together. I could easily see hormones, and even more so, habit, leading me even further down that road, but given my desire for greater emotional connection, that would seem to be foolish. My relationship with Josh was a definite anomaly in this pattern, and one I do not regret for a second.

Frequently, going in to a hookup, one doesn’t know what will come of it. I’ve had a couple bf’s, a few regular, though non-romantic, sex partners, and a handful of friends where we afterwards kept our pants on, a large number of guys that I never see again, and some people that it’s uncomfortable to see again, oh yeah, and lots of sex, with a standard bell-curve-esque quality distribution. Playing the odds, any given trick is not likely to turn into something more, but stranger things have happened.

Since last we met

Shit has happened, and much of it. I am now working 3/4 time on the uav project. I’m participating in Ro’s vision of a gay-oriented-but-not-exclusively-homo soccer team, and shocked at how much I like it. Unlike american football, here getting hit in the head with the ball is considered a good move, maybe that’s it. =)

I went to a friend’s wedding in Zanesville. She was my date to the junior prom, we knew one another from the swim team. Housing has been a roller coaster, though it seems we now have a 4/5 bedroom just north of campus lined up. Not signed for yet, though. Bleh.

For my birthday, on friday, we played the first game of soccer (in north berkeley, to and from which I biked) and then went wall climbing (my first trip to a climbing wall on over a year.) I was whimpering when it was all over. Next day I went to see Holes with Noah and Ro (a continuation of the celebration). Massive kudos to Ro for arranging it all, or at least trying to, on short notice, with something between half-hearted cooperation and highly appreciative inactivity on my part.

Had my first hit-on-by-a-client-I’d-seen experience. It was fun. Gave him my #. Sadly, he has not called, but he’s in an open relationship anyway. A date here, a date there. Another missing checkbook. Another gaming night at the EndGame (it’d been awhile). Had Nick over for dinner a couple times. Headed over to Nick’s place for some sleep-time companionship (all pants-on). Visited ‘s & ‘s place a couple times.

Meeting a couple half of which I was chatting with in Nov, the other half of which recruited me for fun and reindeer games from gaydar, the other day. Went out for ethiopian at Axum (right by their place), followed by super smash bros, kick ass good time. I think I love their section of Haight. Will return. I still suck as much as ever, and remain unable to figure out what the fuck is going on in smash bros.

Tim Lee’s going away party (same night as a cmu friends party, need to start making time for them, as well as a medic’s party), whee.

Finished Zelda, started Eternal Darkness.

Made arrangements to see X-men 2 on Wed with Ro, Simon, and Nick. Go back out to pittsburgh to sort my shit out for the final move.

Stay tuned for my review of Brave New World, with thoughtful commentary, More of my men-as-kleenex habit, vs my desire for stillness, and commitment.

understanding the self

There are different ways of living ones life with respect to time. There’s a bit of the jist of what I’m talking about in Please Understand Me II (more Myers-Briggs-ian foo). It talks about the time perspective of artisans (xSxP’s), guardians (xSxJ’s), idealists (xNFx’s), and rationalists (xNTx’s). specifically, artisans are about the here and now, living in the moment. Guardians do alot of living in the past (reminiscing, investigating, learning history, whatever). Idealists spend their time dreaming about the future, and Rationalists, tend to regard time in terms of spans, from x to y, A happens/ed, while I do/did B.

I can see that. I’m big into looking ahead at my future. Don’t tend to dwell too much on the past I think. Well, except as it relates to the future. The moment isn’t all that signficant either. It’s so incredibly fleeting. Chunking time up is a tool I’m good at using, but whatever. I do all of them, of course (who doesn’t do at least a little of some of it), but the balance is definitely towards looking at the future. What gets me down is that I have ideas for what I want the future to be, but am not sure how to bridge it to the present. Probably in part because I’m not connected enough in the hear and now, but this is starting to sound like bad fantasy pulp magic rationalization, so I think I’ll stop that point.

Still, relationships and sex. I treat sex very much as a now thing. I don’t so much plan ahead. I don’t tend to reflect alot on it after it’s over. I enjoy it in the moment, and feel emptied afterwards. I want someone to have the sort of intense, rapport-riffic give and take I associate with the best moments of my relationships, romantic and otherwise. But like it or lump it, sex does connect me intimately and emotionally, if not always especially deeply or in an especially good way to someone else.

A further question is “Why bother if it isn’t going to go anywhere?” I can understand the emotions and thinking behind that, and it shouldn’t be discarded out of hand, tempted though I am to just gloss over it.

One of the things I really enjoy about my time with the chicago gay men’s chorus was the profound feeling of collaboration, connection, involvement, engagement, whatever, when we were singing. There’s nothing quite like 150 voices raised in harmony.

And in closing, on yet another unconnected point, I will stay up all night playing video games, my eyes will water during les miz, and nausicaa, and I will enjoy the burn at the gym, I will delight in clever word play and finding solutions to tricky math, I will enjoy cruising guys, and watching kids learn, I will fondly reminisce over ficticious events, become impassioned over things that have not yet happened, and take my breakthroughs as they come to me. I see some conflicts therein, but no contradictions. And if you are not terribly fond of that, well, get used to it, or best of luck with someone else.

recent events, Bend It Like Beckham

Last week was carnival, I flew to pittsburgh, it was good. Proper context and all that. I did feel a little out of joint there, and, I always have. I always feel a little out of the flow, wherever, and whatever the flow, but there is good in that as well. It also served as a reminder of a major part of why I moved out here. I had forgotten what I’d told my shrink: I feel like the kind of guy I’d want to date is the kind of guy that would move to SF (or nyc, or chicago, or seattle, or … but especially sf/berkeley).

Work has been good of late. I think that with Ro as my boss/coworker, I could be content doing geekwork indefinitely (if we ignore the moral/ethical ramifications of the current contract. But that’s for another post). Good sides and bad sides. Good sides: It’s what I’m trained to do, I’m pretty good at it, it’s familiar and comfortable. Bad sides: I feel like I could be making much more meaningful (in my estimation) contributions to humanity. My native inclination to programming is virtually nil. I need someone, like Ro, who will shepherd my errant thought processes back to the task, at hand.

I’ve been wanting to get a copy of Nausicaa (NOT Warriors of the Wind. ewww). And so a quick websearch turned up www.nausicaa.net, yay. When I get money, I can get the video. Yay. =) They also make a clever comment about the warriors of the wind (us version) box cover. It pleases me. If only there were a Nausicaa DVD.

Back to the gym. Hadn’t worked out in about a week. May have overdone it, my ass is still sore (from monday).

Went to see Bend It Like Beckham, w/ Ro. I very much liked the movie, and recommended it to Simon (and anyone else who digs athletic Indian chicks, or athletic chicks in general). It reminded me in several ways of A League of Their Own, and reminded my favorite movie reviewer of My Big Fat Greek [err, Indian] Wedding (which I’ve never seen). Very much a feel good movie, that left me with a rosy glow, which had very little to do with the (admittedly quite attractive) male lead. I like determined women, and they were in this movie in spades. Plus, the message that there’s something more important than appearances and a husband, even for women. Very heartwarming.

aging

Soon, Tuesday, I will be 27. Usually, I have something on my birthday to keep me pretty occupied. In chicago, it was the all day chorus rehearsal before the spring show. In the two or three years preceeding that, it was academic stuff. Last year, I think there was work involved. I always threw a party. This year, I dunno. I don’t think I’m going to bother.

A little active planning on getting my life where I want it to go seems like it would be far more productive. Blerg. Not that having the party would actively prevent that or anything, but given the luck I’ve had with short notice celebrations lately, well…. =)