Inspired by a friends-only post made by a friend. You know who you are.
As a kid I didn’t have much choice about fitting in. I was damn smart, and compulsively honest. I ‘learned’, accurately or no, that it didn’t matter what I did, I was still a nerd, and thus the lowest of the low, so I might as well do whatever I wanted to do anyway (mostly, I made a number of exceptions, which should surprise no one =).
I read books at recess that most kids would never pick up, mythology, fairy tales, choose your own adventures, mostly. They didn’t want me on their team? Fuck sports anyway, waste of a life. (They seemed content to agree with me that swim team didn’t count. Neither did acrosport dance, all year or two of it that I did ;).
It got kind of extreme in high school, where I started wearing a cloak and carrying all my books around with me everywhere (I made no use of my locker, I’m surprised it didn’t seriously damage my back).
My last year of high school, I started defusing my angry (hurt) outsider mess. And college pretty much completely reoriented me, but even now, I have trouble taking seriously how what I do, say, like, etc comes across to others. It seems like a pretty minor question. How I see myself as a result of these things is pretty major though.
For instance, I don’t think I’ve ever left a book behind when I moved. At least, not since leaving for college. It’s part of seeing myself as smart, and relying on that as a cornerstone of my identity. As an illustration, I’ve kept a duplicate copy of a book I’ve had for over a decade and not read so much as a word of in that span. I’m slimming it down for my impending move. No more than 5 standard boxes of books. =) (I think I had 15 or more in my last move).
I haven’t much worried about my social standing within the gay community. I’ve assumed it’s shit and that nothing I do will change it. It’s sort of liberating in a way. I’ve come to realize it’s also ridiculously inaccurate, but I think I may value the freedom it confers over the warm fuzzy of realizing that I’m not the lowest rung on the ladder.
Of course, this brings up the question of how I feel about self-delusion, and whether I value having an accurate picture of myself and reality over my easy freedom by concession from status games.
Maybe letting myself care what others think just opens me up to too much hurt.
Hrm. …
Oh, btw, hi, I’m back on the lj habit 😉
i totally think people should just be themselves, but i also think pretending that humans are not social animals is a bit silly. other peoples’ opinions DO matter. if they did not matter you would not have made this post. we all need to fit in somewhere. i think the trick is realizing where you “belong” … the “right” group of people … people whose opinion you can care about. obviously, for you, this is not the subset of gay people that really care about fashion, the entertainment industry, stellar appearance, etc. (i.e., the subset of gay people that fly-over america seems to think make up the set of all gay people).
plus, and this is kind of funny to me, i am learning that how one sees oneself is not necessarily the same as the way other people see us. perception is a funny thing. recently a brilliant friend of mine that i only hang out with in social situations found my livejournal and told me that he was taken aback when he realized that i was more than just a party boy … that i actually had depth (sometimes). he knew i was in graduate school studying chemistry, but thought i was just another vacuous circuit boy! a different friend i only hang out with socially saw my GRC (a qualifying exam presentation). he told me that it was discomforting to realize that his friends from graduate school that he only hangs out with at bars, clubs, and parties are actually really intelligent people despite the fact that the brittney/madonna tongue kiss is the most academic conversation they hold in his presence.
sorry this response went off on a tangent. it’s not entirely related to your post, but there is some small connection.
happy birthday, btw! 🙂
One thing I try hard to keep in mind is that a community is a bottom-up, not a top-down construct. As a male, a Caucasian, an American, a gay man, etc etc., I have the authority to define each of those communities by the degree to which I make up their membership. Sure, that may be 0.0000001%, but I think I owe it to others who feel like they’re on the periphery looking in to be honest with myself and sing my own song rather than be absorbed by the (perceived) majority. This has led to tangible gratification, too. For example, there have been several occasions where I’ve opened up to a “gay geek” and they’re surprised and delighted because they assumed they were the only homo on the planet with D&D sourcebooks.