My potential

“He’s so bright, if only he’d apply himself”

“He’s almost a genius” “He correctly answered questions that no
student of mine has answered correctly in the past decade, including
[redacted (my primary competition in this particular subject in high
school)], but he needs to do his homework” “His vocabulary is better
than mine but he has motivation problems” The above are selected,
rough (the praise is word for word, the rest was blurred by repetition
=), quotes from elementary and secondary school teachers of mine
said in front of me at parent teacher conferences. It should be noted
that these were relatively rural private schools. It’s easier to be a
big fish in a small pond.

“Why don’t you wait for the rest of the class”. That was a quote from
Sister Dorothy Gerlica, principal of my school at the time, when I
walked in and clearly displayed a mastery of the basic principles of
algebra while we were working on multiplication and division problems
in 7th grade. It may well have been the first time I tried to push my
education ahead “through proper channels”, and I was rebuffed.
Clearly, school wasn’t about maximizing human potential, it was about
keeping the kids from having fun, and maybe dropping a scrap or two of
knowledge along the way.

As a kid who was reading the blue and brown books of fairies (fairy
tale collections, don’t get any smart ideas =), bulfinch’s mythology,
the narnia chronicles, the prydain chronicles, and more “choose your
own adventure”s than you can shake a stick at, and then reread them,
because there was nothing else for me to read, that I wasn’t
completely bored with, and that helped me escape the misery that was
my life, you can bet I was disgusted with having to copy ‘pretty’ 20
times on paper to prove that I knew how to spell it, and didn’t do it.
I realize that the intent was not to prove, but to teach, but for me
it was only proof of what I already knew.

I can count the teachers who really challenged me prior to college on
one hand. With fingers left over. Fortunately, I can also count the
teachers who kept me from challenging myself on one hand, if I cared
to. (though I might have to step into binary counting on this one 😉

But the point is, I recognize I’m a little brighter than the average
bear, and definitely brighter than the average twink. And I take on
challenges, like this political economy class. If I go in with the
right mindframe, that this is a _learning_ experience, not a _proving_
experience, I do alright. But so often, I get trapped into thinking
about it as something I _ought_ to already know, and running in a
cycle of panic. After all, I never needed to study in spelling,
right? =)

“You can do anything you set your mind to” That’s a lie, which my
parents believed to be true. And it’s not a total lie. It’s probably
true as they meant it, but it wasn’t true the way I heard it. I knew
it wasn’t true, because I couldn’t walk through walls, change shape,
read minds, or move things without touching them (and I accuse my
little sister of having a strong attachment to fantasy, ‘hi kettle,
this is pot, you don’t seem to be reflecting much light’). Maybe if
I’d set my mind to convincing myself that my life was really worth
living. Water, bridge, you know the story.

But the real point here is that I don’t feel like I’ve come anywhere
close to using my potential, or my abilities. Maybe this is egomania,
me still believing that if I try hard enough, I’ll turn into an X-man
or, more to the point, one of Niven’s Protectors. Surely it’s not so
hard for me as someone bright to find something that challenges and
engages me. I don’t really object to being in pittsburgh, but I do
really object to working tech support. It’s a noble field, helping
others with your skills, knowledge and intelligence (swampland,
florida, you figure it out). But the pay is crap, and the field is
not what I’m interested in. And I feel like I could be doing more for
the benefit of humanity. (hence the volunteering for the aclu,
canceled this morning, btw).