I just finished reading blinded by the right. It’s David Brock’s memoir of his days as a conservative attack journalist, and his subsequent repentence. It was interesting, though offputting in many ways. He was certainly genuine in it, but that didn’t make it a pleasant read. It was definitely thought provoking though.
It got me thinking alot about the blind loyalty to political parties, and the treatment of these loyalties as far more serious than any actual policy considerations. It is very distressing to me how little our politics has to do with policy. Most of America shares my policy values, according to surveys. But their political values are based, by and large, in rooting for the political party they grew up with like its their local sports team.
His portrait of seeking approval through politics, trashing people for profit, and never thinking twice about his actions disturbed me. That he could live his life for nearly two decades working towards ends he found undesirable chilled me. He is a conflict hungry drama queen, and in that way I think he’d irritate me. He’s a gay man who has experienced profound guilt and a complete loss of his world framework related to that guilt, with his sexuality tied in for good measure. That I can relate to, but it’s not the best part of either of us.
Ultimately, his soaring and hugely lucrative career is brought to a close as much by his conscience as anything. And he tells of his apologies, his process of ending his former ways, and then trying to mend his former ways. He talks about the mutual use society of the mainstream of the regressive movement, which accepts loyal gays, while talking trash about all gays.
He talked about being out in his Berkeley undergrad days, and progressing thoroughly into the back of the closet thereafter. Oddly, I can relate to this.
<total aside>When I first came out, I overdid it. And I retreated somewhat from introducing myself with my sexuality. At work I’ve been in the closet, totally out (non-issue), comfortable talking about it in whispers, and, oddly, in my current position, feeling a little like I went back in to the closet. As you may recall, last summer, I invited the entire office to join me at “the Chicago pride parade.” I kinda thought the “gay” was implied, but based on some of the responses it wasn’t immediately clear to many people. And yet, when the highest up in the office made some comment about me getting married some day, I made some sort of too-clever deflection saying it wasn’t likely soon. She didn’t get it right away, but with a couple giggles around the table she had a little epiphany. It felt a little ridiculous, like I’m back in the land of wink-wink, nudge-nudge. Bleh! I talk openly with the (few) fellow homos in the office. Of course, part of what my performance is evaluated on is my ability to work well with others. And I fear trumpeting my sexuality (or even just speaking openly about it sometimes) will make others uncomfortable with me. Tada, I’m back in the closet, sort of. And the thing is, I don’t really like pride parades. Or gay bars. Maybe it’s the hedonism, maybe it’s the vapidity. Maybe it’s the pretense that we are all one, when we have less in common with one another than the minorities gay rights advocacy groups.
But even more so, I detest the hypocrisy or self-loathing of the “straight acters” and closet cases. </total aside>
Why do people find it so hard to understand that “straight acting” is an obnoxious term?
I will have to try and get a copy of this book.
When I’m stealth, I’m also in the closet. But regardless of whether I’m stealth or disclosing, I’m very out as an advocate, I just get credit as being the best ally when I’m stealth. It’s odd to do it that way, but it helps me feel less guilty about being stealth. I can’t disclose in all spaces though, I’ve tried that, and I just get frustrated with the overwhelming majority of people who then screw up pronouns, hold my effeminity against my maleness, feel that they can ask anything at any moment in front of whomever -> right down to my genitals.