I think the big source of my mopiness and dissatisfaction of late has been my mourning of my academic career, which is nearly over, if not forever, certainly for a long time. Looking back over it, I can’t help but feel there are some many things I could have done better. Looking ahead to the next couple weeks, I know I’m going to cut more corners. And it makes me a little sad. If there is bitterness, it lies here. In the realm of things I would have liked to have accomplished, and probably even could have accomplished, but didn’t and won’t.
That’s probably part of why I slack to the extent I do. If I don’t turn it in, I don’t have to admit failure, yet. I could still make something great. Oh well, the moving finger writes.
If I’m interpreting this correctly, I know exactly how you feel. I had major withdrawals after grad school. Even though I was lucky enough to find work, I felt like I was “settling.” But in reality, I’d been in school for 7 years. I had student loans up to my ears–and it was time to play in the ‘real world’ for a bit.
I always felt like I could do better. That’s a curse I think with over-achievers. You’re never satisfied with what you do. And unfortunately, many graduate-level curriculae are engineered to push people to the limit. It becomes a game of prioritizing… “what can I brush off this week, and what absolutely must be turned in on time???” That, in fact, is the best preparation for ‘real life.’ 😛
“It is a mistake to suppose that men succeed through success; they much oftener succeed through failures. Precept, study, advice, and example could never have taught them so well as failure has done.” – Samuel Smiles
I totally understand how you say “if i don’t turn it in, I don’t have to admit failure, yet.” Its eerie how similar I feel about school (I still have an assigment I was supposed to turn in last Tuesday, and still haven’t completed it yet…) yet its comforting at the same time. :-/
I’m sure you’ll be able to continue a non-formal academic career further into your life and create something great. Not that I have anything to base that on other than what you’ve written in here in your journal, but what can I say?
🙂