So, I’ve heard that a certain relative of mine is a loudly anti-gay type person. In my upcoming travels, I will likely be in said relative’s city of residence, probably for an overnight. It’s $125 cheaper to take flight in a day earlier, I figured I could find a hotel for that amount. Mom encouraged me to stay with her. I said, quite staunchly and matter of factly, “No, _________ is about the last relative I’d want to stay with, because I’ve heard she’s virulently Catholic and anti-gay.” Mom was completely silent on the other end for 30 seconds. (It only occurred to me afterwards that mom is Catholic and might take offense.) I restarted conversation with “surely a room in a flop shack can be found for less than $125/night.”
So, aside from my complete lack of diplomacy, I kind of wonder if that’s the right tact to take. No, I don’t want to be preached at. And I have no real desire to be hosted by someone who’d be uncomfortable taking me in. Fuck “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” But at the same time, aversion will change nothing. If I refuse to talk to the homophobes in my own family, what makes me think I can do a damn thing to make a difference to a complete stranger?
Then there’s the issue of third hand condemnation. Hmmmm. All sorts of moral quagmires on this one.
My experience, and some Devil’s advocate-ing.
There are members of my extended family who had always been loudly anti-gay when I was growing up. Many of them were and remain fond of me, and some of them did find themselves reconsidering their opinions when it became more widely known that I am gay. They couldn’t reconcile the views they’d held for so long with the reality of who I am in their family, and some of them did change their opinions. One of them has become one of my staunchest defenders, and a good friend to my boyfriend.
However, some of them remained anti-gay, and no longer speak to me.
That is my experience, for what it’s worth.
The Catholic comment might have caused offence, but hopefully you and your Mom can talk about it some other time, face-to-face.
The third-hand condemnation… aren’t you a little curious to find out for yourself what this relative is like? Would you consider staying in a hotel, officially because you “don’t want to impose and you have some work to do on your laptop”, and then meeting this relative for breakfast or lunch?
You’ve presented an interesting situation. I sympathise with you, because I wouldn’t like to have to deal with it again myself.
Re: My experience, and some Devil’s advocate-ing.
I think this is a good tack: stay someplace else and let her know you’re in town. Having a meal together seems low-risk.
But I would definitely not subject myself (or her) to the stress of sharing a living space even overnight without knowing more. If she is anti-gay, nobody will enjoy the experience and any eventual reconciliation will be set back further.
Re: My experience, and some Devil’s advocate-ing.
*seconds this suggestion*
You don’t know her well. Staying at her house also gives her a lot of power in arguments (home field advantage and all) and you’ll be using her good will for shelter. Not a great situation.
This, at least, allows you to talk to her about the issue without it being completely threatening or severely ackward for either of you. You may, simply, want to get to know her first before talking about the homosexuality thing. It’s harder to prejudice when it effects someone you like.
I’m intrigued by you noting that you’ve *heard* that this person is anti-gay. So I take that to mean that you have not personally experienced her homophobia. To me that makes a big difference: if you had personally experienced it I would think that it was a fairly straightforward decision to make (don’t stay unless you have good reason to think there’s hope of her changing). But if you’ve never personally received her vitriol then I don’t know…. How reliable is the source of your information? How well do you know this relative otherwise? I tend to want to give people the benefit of the doubt until proven wrong in a first-hand sort of way. Of course, that has sometimes gotten me into trouble. 🙂
Maybe you should take the opportunity to educate her. I find that most homophobes don’t know any gay people or are actually gay themselves.
HA! You know, I’m so guilty of the same sin. You don’t have to take it out on your poor mother. You could have said, “Mom, I’d love to, but I hear so and so is very homophobic and it makes me uncomfortable. I hope you don’t mind if I decline and stay somewhere for a night.” Then you can open up to each other and connect.
But I’m so guilty of the same thing. My mother is constantly telling me to stop taking it out on her, because it isn’t her fault that so-and-so is like that. But I just keep expecting her to be mom and do something about it 🙂
being from a virulently catholic family myself, i find it hard to fault you for that comment. the feelings it gave your mom to hear you say that are nothing compared to that reality imposed on you. some would say she doesn’t deserve it, but has she ever stepped up and called this relative on her bullshit? probably not. under somewhat similar circumstances i said the following to my mom: what kind of mother doesn’t defend her son?
as far as hearing things and believing them … why would your relatives lie to you about her attitudes toward gay people? maybe they misunderstood her, but i seriously doubt it. this is not one of those situations where you are wiser to give her the benefit of the doubt. i think paying to stay in a hotel rather than rely upon her hospitality sends a much stronger message than trying to change her mind in person.
maybe i am being pessimistic, but i see no good reason to set yourself up for disappointment. your energy is better focused elsewhere.
Do you know this homophobic relative well at all?
Not really. I sorta knew her once, decades ago, but I’m not really close with my extended family.
Then where did you hear that she was homophobic?
Multiple “independent” sources within the family. I’m not terribly close to my family overall, but it’s a big family, and there are some I know better than others. My intent isn’t to “bash on the homophobic relative”, more “figure out how to better handle this emotionally charged situation”.
No kidding. Good luck with that. *Hugs*
what happened to a $30 room at motel 6?