So, I have a thing for guys who are somewhat older than myself. Like 6 or 7 years is probably optimal. But my boyfriends have all (with the exception of Scott, twb) been younger than myself, usually by trivial amounts (3 months, a year, that sort of thing). Partially this is small sample size. I’ve only had 3 boyfriends (not counting twb). But another part of this is embarrassment. I’m not quite sure how to swing this socially. I hang out with many people younger than myself, and have for many years now. A few of my friends are ageist, and think nothing of bitching about “obnoxious older men” and calling them trolls.
There are several themes to my thoughts. “What would they think of him?” “What would they think of me?” “What would he think of them?” “What would he think of me?” “What would we talk about?” “How would they get along?” Part of this is a concern about the appearance of being a kept lad. I like to think of myself as independent, and someone buying me food all the time (which one need not be older than me to do) makes me somewhat uncomfortable. Not having the same cultural markers is another thing (having to explain “final fantasy” can be as frustrating as having to explain “the stonewall riots”). And, of course, the concern that he’ll condescend to my friends or my friends will think he’s a “lecherous old man” bugs me. (If I think he’s just into me as a way of pursuing his youth, he probably wouldn’t last long with me.)
One of the key things I enjoy doing with someone I’m dating is introducing them to my friends, and talking with said friends (typically about something intellectual or political) while snuggling on the couch. And something about the age disparity I have with the guys I find most attractive makes me uncomfortable with this.
These thoughts and feelings are something I’m only starting to examine, but it seems like a useful pattern to work on. (and a good way to procrastinate much needed work, perhaps. 😉
I have had parallel issues trying to date guys more than a few years younger than myself (something I’ve done several times now). However, with proper training, they can be taught to sit quietly and smile prettily at dinner parties while managing (usually) to select the appropriate fork, etc.
: )
….am i younger than you? 🙂
I’m older than you, yes, but only by a few months. : )
mmm well, u would be quite a thrilling dinner date for a young man, Rice, even intimidating perhaps, in a good way – so, i’d say, sitting quietly and smiling pretty is all your younger dates could be expected to accomplish (at the dinner table) 😉
You, my boy, have made me blush. : )
“With proper training…”
*spews coffee*
Welcome to Grubbybastard Finishing School. : )
I can only imagine what you do to keep your charges in line….
You mean, you can only imagine….because you haven’t seen the DVD?
Send!
🙂
Wow, do you think your younger friends would really pin the “troll” label on an older guy that you were happily dating? If so, I’d say the problem is with your friends, and fuck ’em.
It sounds to me like you’re prematurely worrying about situations before they’ve even happened. It’s just as likely that you would find a guy in your ideal age range who wouldn’t condescend to your younger friends as it would be to find one who would. Right?
having dated an older man who is really an awesome guy, and hot and sexy, and intelligent and age-aware but not agist, i learned to let go of my fears and allow people to interact on their own, let go of my preconceptions and let happen what will happen.
I mean beause if someone is truly ageist, they will probably not hold it against you if you decide to date someone older, its just not for them. And, even if they don’t usually hang with older men i’m sure a good friend(s) would make an exception for your bf… i saw that happen in my circle of friends.
And i grew to really enjoy the differnt ways I could interact with him versus my own peers, you know because of the cultural things such as you explained.
I’m at the other end of the spectrum… finding now that I really value my own peer group and will make sure I date within my age range, at least for now… i feel like I just miss it. Especially with music and stuff… 🙂
Hugs hugs and luck to you!
so you have no partiular gentleman in mind?
I enjoy keeping friends mostly separate from my partner, because I get very cranky if I’m around anyone for too long.
If they’re really your friends, they shouldn’t care who you date. If the do, they’re superfical fags and you should lose them!
yup, gotta hate them superficial fags.
Six to seven years isn’t that much, once you’re past the age of 25 or so! It’s not like a fifteen or twenty year age gap, which would have a lot of different cultural references.
Gee, I’m 10 years older than you. I guess we won’t be dating 😉
Oh I don’t think that would be a problem. Now, the unlikeliness of me ever living in NYC, and the fact that you already have a husband, those could present some issues. =)
LOL
as someone who always prefers much older males and females, i do understand the akwardness you’re discussing here. in my case, however, it has usually been my date’s peers looking at me with stark judgement, not my own friends being stupid toward my older dates.
i.e. an older woman i was sort of in love with introduced me to her friends and one of the evil women called me The Paperboy.
makes me wonder if the Gay Culture is harder on age?
your feelings or what your friends think?
Ideally, I think it shouldn’t matter how old your bf is. The people who really matter, and who care about you, should be happy you’re happy.
There is, however, a relentless streak of agism in the gay community – which for me is ironic – since my generation and the one ahead of it were the most decimated by the plague. Effectively, there were NO guys a few years older so we never had to deal with them.
My longest relationship was with a man who was about 5 years older than me – but he looked 10 years older. Premature grey. Several people I knew had problems with this – and in time I lost interest in them.
It sounds like you are more concerned with how things look than how things are – a good relationship with good sex, communication and romance should trump what people think.
BUT – age is a difficult issue – because no gay man is really his chronological age. I know 47 yr olds who act like they are 18 – I know unnecessarily bitter and jaded 28 yr olds too. I find I have more culture gap issues with younger men than older – but good communication can make this an interesting sharing experience.
You’ll build a good model of workable relationships regardless of age with experience.
Well, since I’m 13 years older than Jeffrey I thought I’d weigh in on this — though most everything I would say has already been said. Also, I’m in the fortunate situation where I usually pass for being 10 years younger than I actually am, so the age difference is not so apparent. (I took great glee in the fact that, a few weeks ago, one of Jeffrey’s friends said to him, “I’m so glad you’re finally dating someone younger than you.” I was like, “Yay! I get to be the boy toy!!” 🙂
First, I second everything said above: your true friends will care that you’re happy, period. And as for you, you shouldn’t worry about what others will think if you’re happy.
One thing I would add is that the difference can be a source of fun, too: I actually take a certain glee in listening to some of Jeffrey’s friends (many of whom are younger than HIM — he’s 28, I’m 41, and most of his friends are like 23-25) not know some cultural reference to the 70’s or something, and I will shake my head and say with mock dismay, “Babies. I’m surrounded by babies.” Or I’ll say in my mock old man’s voice, “Listen young man, I was driving a car when you were still in diapers!!”
It’s true, though, that I have worried about the age difference, wondering if it would be a problem. But I quickly learned that that was just one characteristic in a matrix of characteristics within the relationship. In other words, you have to put it into context. For instance, for me and Jeffrey, he is interested in “older” pop culture and so he is likely to know and appreciate many of the same things I do anyway. He’s also incredibly smart and well-informed and even when he was a little boy he was watching the news and observing the world around him….so the gulf ends up not seeming so large. For my part I enjoy opening up my horizons to “younger things” I encounter through his friends that I wouldn’t otherwise encounter, and it enriches my life as well. So I guess I’m saying is that it all depends on the person involved, and your focus should be on your boyfriend and how the two of you bridge that gap…if it works for the two of you, it will work for you. I’m not aware of any of Jeffrey’s friends making any disparaging remarks about me being so much older — like I said, we have a good time with it. And I think his friends accept me because Jeffrey seems happy around me (many pull me aside and say “he seems happier than I’ve ever seen him”). It’s a good question to ask whether or not their acceptance of me would be different if I looked more obviously my age…I don’t know, to be honest! But I think that both of us would feel that his true friends would stick by him.
I haven’t talked about *my* friends yet. Most of them are simply jealous that I snagged such a cute young guy! They’re like, “good on you, mate!”
Last comment in this rambling comment. The only remaining residual concern for me is feeling sometimes like I can’t physically keep up. I’ve had more late nights partying since I met Jeffrey than I’ve probably had in the last 10 years combined. And sometimes I feel it wearing on me a bit. Also, he’s ready to have sex again in 30 minutes and I’m like, “um, I need to wait ’til tomorrow….” (though certain drugs have helped even the playing field there! ;). But again, I put it into context: I’m having a lot of fun, Jeffrey has never ever once held it against me if I’ve said “I don’t think I’m up for that tonight,” so it’s really only a problem in *my* mind. I just need to get over myself and enjoy this wonderful thing that I’ve found.
With friends like that… Looks like you’ve got some nasty “frenemies” there.
If you select the right kind of guy, the kind of guy you can be friends with, good friends will naturally get along with him.
Maybe part of your issue here isn’t age, but relative standard of living and income that comes with age. It’s likely if you dated a mature younger man with plenty of money to lavish you with, you’d feel the same way.
I’m pretty much the same way as you, except I’m not usually interested in people quite that much older than myself. I always figure that stuff willbe inconsequential if he’s the right guy. Plus you are totally a science nerd with how you phrase certain things like talking about small sample size! I friggin love that! A couple days ago at work my friends and I were making sandwhichs and one friend wasn’t making anything. I asked her why she wasn’t making a sandwhich and she could borrow some of my veggie balogna if she wanted to, but then she said, “The bread is more the limiting reagent to my sandwhich than the meat.” Hee hee.
is your target age of interest absolute or relative? 😉
It’s gotten older along with me. =)