When Scott left for Germany, he left a thing or two for me. I mean, yeah, he gave me his bed (queen size!). And a torch lamp. And a desk lamp. And a skirt for the bed. And a phone and answering machine (not that I have a land line). And there’s a power strip and additional comforter waiting for me at his coop. But strangely, that’s not what I’m thinking about. I swear he didn’t mention it before he left. Really. I don’t remember it at all. I don’t think I forgot it. He left a card and a bar of (very nice, organic, vegan, fair trade) chocolate.
It took me a couple days to notice. It was underneath the condom baggie. The card was full of praise and thanks and expressions of endearment. (though noteworthily absent were praise for my memory and my keen attunement to my surroundings; he’s no fool. =)
I can’t bring myself to eat the chocolate. It’s kind of silly. I mean, it’s not the nutritional content or anything; I know that one bar of chocolate will neither make nor break me. I don’t feel like I deserve it. Or his effusive praise. Who am I to receive such generosity? The practical side of me can encompass the practical gifts, be thankful, and not dwell on it. But the chocolate is a little thing, a touch of pure thoughtfulness. And I can’t quite bring myself to eat it. Because then it’ll be gone.
I get blindsided by my emotions sometimes. And I think this is one of them. But I don’t want to forget and move on. It’s still silly. But it’s still there. I like to remember when things touch me more deeply than I expect.
aw. you are something. very sweet, aren’t u. u prove how worthy u are of his gesture 😉
Scott is not given to empty gestures or false praise, so he must have seen something there that is indeed worthy of chocolate. Receive it and cherish it.
I’m so glad you guys got to connect!
(Hiding it underneath the condom baggie….that is so Scott! 🙂
*hugs*
Hehe… I do stuff like that all the time, cept I’m a little worse as it doesn’t have to be anything particularly special. It usually takes me months to finally break down and eat food type Christmas gifts.
You could take a picture of it… that may help to make it easier to eat if you have somethign to remember it by. Perhaps keep the wrapper?
Hugs. The emotions attached to separation are very difficult to handle.
One thing which I have learned is that we are not the ones who get to decide what we deserve. Other people decide what we deserve. Scott decided that you deserve that praise and that love and those compliments, and that is where you are in his world, so that is what you deserve from him. To reject it would be to belittle his emotions.
If he felt you deserved it, then you did.
If you don’t eat the chocolate because you want the tangible gift to remain, and let you hold the emotions for a while, that’s fine. I held onto a white-chocolate frog-shaped lollipop for two years, and it gave me more pleasure being there than it would have had I eaten it. However, you did deserve it.
^
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correct answer
One thing which I have learned is that we are not the ones who get to decide what we deserve. Other people decide what we deserve.
That is one of the most insightful and succinctly-worded things I have read on LJ in a long time! I will remember it and think about it (and share it with someone in my life right now who is not great at receiving things from others). Thanks!
*hugs*
I totally understand saving the chocolate, too.
But you, my dear, deserve love, affection and praise. Never forget that.
i do things like that, I don’t see anything wrong with holding on to the chocolate.
Oh god, you’re gonna be like Miss Havisham in Great Expectations, fondly stroking your moldy cobwebbed chocolates when you’re 80, attracting yet more fruit flies to harry me and my salsa.
If there’s food in the house you can’t eat, don’t neglect your friendly neighborhood trash compactor!