So, I’ve long advocated the “friends first” method of dating. Under this philosophy, you need to get to know the person as they really are, and somehow sex gets in the way of this. And I’m wondering just how realistic this is. I mean, clearly, not paying attention to personality in one’s romances has some serious problems. But hoping that attraction will take care of itself seems to have gone poorly for me as well. And how many relationships that last have started off as casual friends without dating intent? I don’t really know. But I do know that most among my hetero friends have had alot more dates than I have with alot fewer people. So, I wonder, those among you who’ve had more longevity in your love lives than I, what input do you have to offer?
What’s your definition of “more longevity”?
My longest relationship was over 5 years, dating a couple in a polyamorous relationship.
My next longest was under 2 years, monogomous.
My most intense was under 1 year, and that one was… er… confused, and overlapped the above 5 year relationship.
The longest I’ve known someone before we started dating was a month, but that’s because I generally practice the “bolt of lightning” method of dating. Basically, if I’m not in love with the person, then there’s really no point in my dating them much longer. The longest I’ve dated someone that I wasn’t in love with was 9 months, and that was about 6 months too long.
Currently, I’m starting a trial run of a “friends first” method that my good friend calls the “no sudden moves” approach.
But again, the “bolt of lightning” test comes into play… If there isn’t at least the little tingle of a potential powderkeg of chemistry, I won’t pursue more than a friendship, ’cause I know I’m just wasting my time and theirs.
I’m discovering that there’s a lot of interesting men out there with great dating potential, except they are either:
a> only interested in sex
b> not interested in me
c> not available
d> not local
*shrug* But I persist.
At least in my terms, you certainly qualify “more longetivity”. My ex was about 5 years ago and that lasted about 6-7 months. ‘Dats it. My criteria has always been “not so much who you can live with, but who you can’t live without”. (and ’cause I love double negatives) Nonetheless, I’m not interested in dating or continuing dating, if, as you call it, the “bolt of lightning” test fails. No point stretching out something that isn’t meant to be. And yes, those last four points seem to be the evil curse – although I might order them somewhat differently! 😀
all of my relationships started out as casual sex (usually after meeting through mutual friends) and progressed quickly into serious relationships. It went from cordial greetings to a spark to sex to hanging around even after having sex to finding out we liked hanging around each other in a more-than-sex way to serious relationship.
and 3 of them were very quick move-in scenarios. I knew better than to do that with my last/4th.
Well my current relationship of almost 4 years started from meeting at a sex club. We were only supposed to be fuck buddies and that went out the window rather quickly. Frankly I don’t think there is a right method of meeting someone. Love is fickle and comes at us in the oddest places and circumstances. Never look but always be open for it.
I think any forced method of rules for dating is silly. The best way to go from meeting to a long term relationship is to relax and let things happen naturally.
If you start imposing long term plans early on or try to force the relationship to go in one direction or another, or impose arbitrary rules, you’re asking for trouble. I just go with the flow.
And then to keep it going, be open, assertive, and kind.
I guess I don’t really think about it all that much.
sounds reasonable to me..
the friends-first method can work, but only if you’re not playing it with that goal. in other words, if you both really plan to just be friends at first, then both of your guards are down, and you get to know aspects of each other that you normally wouldn’t find out…
and of course, you have some foundation besides sex.
this is easier for the kinds of people who don’t try and get with anyone who’s reasonably attracted to them immediately. also easier if both people are unavailable for such things for other reasons (prior commitments? that can get messy though)
that’s the benefit- but on the other hand, the sex-first approach can work too… but the problem with it is that for some kinds of people, attraction and ‘connection’ in some other way aren’t really all that related.
in a relationship, you need both things… and i guess if you think about it, does it really matter which one is the _first_ thing you look for, and which one is the second?
(of course this is an oversymplification)
if you do the first approach, you might have a lot of cool friends.
if you do the second, you might have a lot of quick exciting infatuated failed(long-term) relationships.. (i know someone who thinks short-term is where it’s at – that period when you’re both intensely interested in each other)
both can be good.
Good points. Though I have misgivings about my own ability to recognize what’s good for me and make sure I get it/do it/whatever.
I know I have misgivings about my ability, and that’s part of the reason why I try not to force things.
My primary and I were friends for several months, and then dated for a few months more. I think it was 4 months before we slept together. Been with him 14 years. My gf and I dated for 3 months before getting pelvic. Been with her 2 1/2 years. One of my sweeties of 9 years I slept with the day after we met.
YMMV.
One’s mileage may vary even when the “one” in question doesn’t, it seems. That’s good to hear. =)
some thoughts…
1. The foundation for any relationship is trust and communication… and these two factors tend to work in a kind of positive-feedback kinda way.. i.e. if you have a good level of trust–you are more likely to be open in communication–which then leads to a greater level of trust etc etc.. (also works in destructive spiral if one stops either of these two also…)
2. As for long term relationships–I’ve always been a long-term relationship kinda guy… at least that was always my goal… my current relationship is now about 5.75 years long and is stronger than ever.. and prior to that one, I was in a 5 year relationship.. In any case.. I’ve never really considered my “getting to know someone” to be an activity called “dating.” Maybe this is just semantics.. but more often than not.. when I wanted to get to know someone, I spent a lot of time getting to know them in some manner–e.g. they lived in the same dorm so we hung out a lot–or they lived on another continent so we sent each other long letters (5-8 pages)–or they lived 1.5 hours away so we sent each other long daily emails and then we spent time together at a mutual friends house and at our local dance club amongst friends on the weekends..
Almost never were there specific, time constrained “dates” that we went on… or rather–by the time we started having “exclusive time periods together” we were already a serious couple in a relationship…
Personally, I find “dating” to be a fairly poor way of getting to know someone.. they are very constrained and forced at the same time.. and you don’t get the best results with them… as an analogy.. I see “dates” in this context to be a lot like testing students with 2-hour timed essay questions.. in such situations, you are not going to get great writing but rather are going to receive some often very formulaic, not particularly rich, and hard to decipher products… overall, a much better way to judge whether someone knows there stuff is to give them a week long take-home essay… where they can spend time crafting what they want to say..
same thing with building a good relationship..
3. Attraction–yes.. there has to be attraction between you and the other person… but why is this sexual attraction (and acting on it) somehow a counteractive or contrary activity to “getting to know them as they really are…” I mean, this kind of attitude seems to imply that sex is anathematic to the process of building a strong relationship–i.e. that sex somehow conflicts with things like trust and communication.
How ludicrous! I mean, I guess if one goes at sex as if it is a conquest of the other person rather than as a way of sharing and bonding with them..then it might conflict–but if that is one’s goal in sex–then it probably isn’t much different in one’s approach to relationships–and then one is destined to have some pretty fucked up relationships too…
In any case.. in all of my long-term relationships that lasted more than a year, it took time to get to full fledged sex. Usually around a month or so before the first “fucking” occurred.. and in the entire time up until that point occurred the intense process of wanting to know everything about the other person–wanting, in a way, to have sex with their brain and identity–so that when sex was added in.. it just added to the ways in which we got to know each other..
anyway.. now I need to go get some breakfast..
My one cent
Scott and I have been together for almost 7 years. We met initially met at a mutual friend’s house. We ‘went out’ for 5 weeks before I broke it off. I could not stand the pressure of dating. I did not feel like I could really be myself around him, mostly due to the fear of refection. He was angry and confused, but I wanted us to be friends and after 2 weeks of not speaking to each other, we started hanging out again.. as friends. A few months later, we started our relationship over again. This time we knew each other. This time there was no fear of rejection. It was much more relaxed, much more natural.
That being said, I do like what said — placing rules on it is not a good idea. It’s like the idea that if you look for unconditional love, you will never find it.. The very act of searching is an expectation, a condition. The key is to be yourself with him. Don’t keep secrets from him. If he loves you like you love yourself, and you love him and he loves himself, then around him should be natural and easy. Like good friends.
Re: My one cent
I must say that I agree with this 100% also..
my partner and I are each other’s best friends.. and we communicate constantly..
while we can learn from others.. you must also know thyself first…
time for a bloody mary…
The question presumes that there could be an answer. : )
I don’t know how useful a hetero view is to you, but I practice “friends first” out of necessity, not choice. I just don’t really get attracted to strangers, though they can certainly be nice on the eyes.
I’d been hoping for a greater hetero response, but it was actually pretty decent, so I can’t really complain 😉