the special status of the word “boyfriend”

Someone’s looking in MY old posts… Hope they weren’t too boring*.

But he made a comment on a post from nearly three years ago, just as I was leaving for SF, that inspired some verbosity.

I was going to make a comment, but decided to make a post, ‘cuz some of ya’s weren’t around then, and some of ya’s might have interesting things to say. That having been said…

Damn, talk about your trips down memory lane… =)

Well, for me, I’ve never been an automatic monogamist. When I was dating [redacted], I was adamantly non-monogamous. Whether he changed that, or our relationship changed that, or whatever, at the end of our time together, I was open to the possibility of monogamy. Even so, I still refuse to assume it, despite my feeling that most people want it to be assumed sometime around the first date, or first fuck if a second seems likely. =) For the monogamists, the boyfriend status seems pretty simple: Have I foresworn all others? If yes, then boyfriend. If not, are we fucking? If yes, then fuckbuddy. If not, do I enjoy spending time with him? If yes, then friend. If not, non-entity. =) Or something like that. (Yeah, the computer science shows through from time to time).

It was a really big deal to me to avoid what I referred to as “the boyfriend of the week club”. If I call someone my boyfriend, that’s a pretty big deal for me. It’s a statement of commitment to his well-being, sharing of time, a statement of another word I’m very sparing with, “love”. I’m sparing with these words because I want them to mean something. I try not to be actively derisive of people with new boyfriends (or girlfriends) on a frequent basis. But if you won’t have sex with someone unless you’re in a committed (ie, exclusive) relationship, and you change your ‘committed’ relationships with the same frequency you change your underwear, perhaps you are lying to yourself. I refuse to lie to myself.

I didn’t intend to become a great big slut because I was trying to preserve my philosophical purity, but that seems to be how things turned out. The best times I’ve had with my boyfriends have involved close physical contact, all our clothing on, and 1-10 friends/family (okay, so really only my little sister) in the room in a big, free-for-all conversation. Several of those occasions are better than any sex I’ve had. , , , Seth, and too many more to list, were frequenntly involved. Steve and I didn’t have many such moments, but I’m still keeping him on the official bf list. Somehow, he seems to belong there.

So, what does “boyfriend” mean to me? It’s not exclusivity, though that may be attached. It’s not sex, though that damn well better be attached. It’s love and commitment. It’s something hard to build, hard to maintain, and hard to let go. I’ve been very fortunate in the ones I’ve had so far, and I hope for similar good fortune in my future.

*=I also hope someone got the goldilocks and the three bears reference.