So, none of my 3 relationships to date have started with me being gaga over the good looks of my potential significant other. I always bonded over other things. With Steve there was a geek culture compatability, (star trek, the internet before it was universal, rpg’s, other stuff). With Josh (easily the best looking of the three; hi, josh), there was an incredible intellectual match, plus much similarity in the particulars of our life situations, though we dealt with it differently. And with Mark, I appreciated his style, which he had in abundance, though on substance, we were not so compatible. (I don’t regret breaking up with him when I did, but I do regret being an ass about it. A common theme for all 3, now that I think about it).
Now I’ve had engagements of varying lengths with people of various levels of attractiveness, ranging from “I’m sorry, did you say something? You seem to have taken my speech processing centers offline with your looks” to “that bag over your head makes you look so much sexier”.
So, what matters in a relationship? And how important are looks to the equation? Does it vary by the person? The last one may be the most important question, and I’d say the answer is a definite yes.
Do I shoot myself in the foot when dealing with the hot guys by either drowning them in drool or supressing the reflex so hard that I fail to show any interest? Maybe I just start seeing them as pretty and stop seeing them as people. That seems like a good explanation for how I sometimes feel about it. Ah, to have taken care of this shit when I was a teen, like most people do. Of course at that time I was mostly focused on appearances, as substance was so wildly out of my control. Hrm. Rambling. Done. Share your thoughts if you have ’em.
i think everyone’s perspective on this is different – from having seen how other people act regarding these situations, and what they say “she doesn’t shave her armpits! eww!”, there are varying degrees of importance of looks…
one thing worth noticing though, is that some pieces of good looks are “nice”, and some are “necessary” (or some will completely make someone off limits).. these are different for different people – i guess in some way it’s the definition of ‘fetish’, right?
it also depends on your personality type. if you’re with some guy who’s amazingly hot, will you still be as excited to see mr amazingly hot after spending years of consecutive time with him? the answer differs…
(curious what you think, though)
and then i guess there’s the concept which i’ll call ‘comfort looks’.. is it obvious what’s meant by that?
Hmm, somewhere there’s a bell going off in the head of a cash starved therapist.
Attraction to appearance is so individual, even if sometimes it’s influenced by outside pressures, aka American straight men being revolted by armpit hair. Appearance is sort of the fire starter, the thing that opens the door. It doesn’t sustain a relationship, just keeps your interest active. Still it is a necessary component: for example you may connect very deeply with women, but you’re not likely to find them attractive and thus a fulfilling sexual & emotional relationship isn’t likely to occur.
I haven’t really seen you in action, to determine how much it really does matter, but you seem to have a broad taste, which will help you. Few people who focus on one teeny subset of appearance are ever happy.
Everyone can probably agree that there is an “appearance requirement”. Even a “deep” person would need some convincing to pursue something serious with an eloquent and charming Uncle Fester. But the question might be: what are your particular requirements and how many candidates do they disqualify?
It’s reasonable to require someone be “nice to look at”, but what that means can really vary. For me, it has mostly to do with their smile and visible soul. I can’t be with someone whose expression is distractingly anxious, melancholy, or bitter, no matter how qualified they may be as a magazine model. We definitely have first impressions on an animal level, but once the 90-day warranty expires, I find it’s common to look at another person and regard their “beauty” or “ugliness” more as a composite of memories and feelings than just physical features alone. It’s like seeing a photo of a friend’s ex and saying “wow, hot” when all the friend can think is “blech”.