I’ve been trying to remember what the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” for relationships were according to some shrink out there who did some intensely voyeuristic watching of couples in arguments, approximately since I left the class in which they were introduced; they seemed like a very useful analytical tool. It was in my social psych course during my last semester at cmu before heading off to chicago, so that’s what, 5 years ago?
The four horsemen (listed at the bottom of the following article) were criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. At the time, I diagnosed the end of my relationship with
But this page has another useful analytical tool. The types of functional marriages. I have friends in both the “volatile” and “avoidant” types of relationships. The former takes some getting used to and can still be quite uncomfortable to be around in the heat of the moment. The latter can seem like denial. Both leave one waiting for the other shoe to fall, and for some it never does. The final type, a “validating” relationship (the only one that actually _sounds_ healthy. They could call the others “energetic” and “mellow” or something), I don’t know that I’ve seen much of. Maybe they just look like mellow marriages?
http://www.bccf.bc.ca/learn/coup_divpred.html
Fairly “common sense” but still an interesting read. Thanks for the linkie… Now just to find a reason to need to apply this… lol
Yeah, the irony of me posting advice on stable healthy relationships doesn’t need to be pointed out, but allow me to do so anyway…. =)
Maybe they just look like mellow marriages?
that’s my guess.. unless they’re exhibitionistic, there’s no reason you’d see the details of a quarrel, right?
Nice article. It’s also reassuring to read the article and come away thinking that my marriage qualifies as “stable” (I thought it was, but you never know what those psychologists are going to say about how things _should_ be 😉 As a side note, I seem to be lucky in that my marriage falls into the “validating” category).
Oddly enough, I actually fully understand the “volatile” category, despite not being the sort that could handle that myself. I’ve know “volatile” couples who frequently engage in what my parents would call, “recreational bickering.” They blow up at each, yell for a bit, and then are perfectly fine shortly after. As the article puts it, they resolve the problem, and move on, and thus don’t have any continuing bad feelings… boggles my mind how they can do it, but it seems to work for them 😉
As for “mellow marriage” – for some of us, resolving conflict is important, but others don’t need to be involved. I know I get uncomfortable when I’m around another couple that is arguing, even when I know that relationship is stable. Neither my wife nor I feel comfortable inflicting that upon others. We also know each other well enough that we can send verbal or non-verbal signals to each other let the other know we need to talk later 😉
Anyways, that’s my viewpoint from what I feel is a stable relationship (we’ll have been together for 10 years come this October, and we’ll have been married for 6 years this coming May).