So, mom called to tell me about Dave’s passing. Dave was the significant other of my gay uncle (on mom’s side) for a few decades. Keep in mind, I barely know the guy, she had to remind me of his name. Nor did she tell me how he died, just that he had. But what was most interesting to me was that she said “Your uncle mike’s … paramour”. And she does tell me about the passing of all sorts of family members, most of whom I just do not know. She thought that it might matter more to me because “well, you know…”
Now, she gets points for progress, but let me provide some context. The last time I recall her discussing Dave was shortly before christmas, while both me and my sisters were at home, before I was out to the family, so we’re talking at least a decade ago here. We’d gotten a card from Mike & Dave, with both names on it, and my little sister asked who Dave was. Mom’s response was a slightly strained, “Dave is Mike’s, … um, friend.” My sisters and I teased her about that one. She got flustered and said “What would you rather I say? Lovers?!” To which my sisters cheerfully responded, “uh, yeah.”
I can’t say I blame her, I’m not quite clear on what a good term to describe Mike & Dave’s relationship would be, as a distant, outside observer. Long-term lovers? Husbands? Partners? I mean, I hesitate to use the term boyfriend for something that hasn’t passed the three month mark, but it seems inadequate to describe something that has endured more than a decade. Partners seems antiseptic and filled with plausible deniability (what sort of business do you run?). Ironically, in common usage, “lovers” denotes a sexual relationship rather than a love relationship. And husbands is, of course, legally inaccurate. *shrug*
On a barely related note, of my aunts & uncles, Dennis is probably the one to whom I feel closest. Sadly, that’s not saying alot. I think a better developed sense of connection to my extended family would be a very good thing. Of course, that means going to some pretty out-of-the-way locations and spending time with them. =)
I realize that Minnesota is pretty much as middleish as you can get in the US … but doesn’t that sorta mean that anywhere is “pretty out-of-the-way”? 😉
I’d think kansas city would be more middleish =)
What I mean is that NYC, Washington, Boston, Chicago, San Fran, LA (or at least parts of it), Seattle, etc, are “accessible”. Zanesville, OH. London, KY, and Grand Chain, IL, are “pretty out-of-the-way”. =)
Although I do know what you mean by the plausible deniability and antiseptic undertones, “partner” is pretty commonly understood usage in my experience — in particular as a self-definition (that is, it’s the word I am most used to hearing people use to describe their own life companions). In thinking about this, I believe that in three separate conversations last night at the Eagle/Bolt I heard people use the term in this way. Granted, it was a way-crowded Beer Bust, but as anecdotal stuff goes that’s pretty compelling.
My favorite terminology was used by the recurring “Francesca” character that Tracy Ullman used to play on her television show, the early-teenage daughter of two gay men. “This is my father, and this is my William.”
Actually, I kinda agree that “my gay uncle’s partner” conveys the same message as “my uncle’s husband”.
With common usage “partner” will lose the antiseptic overtones.
< miss-manners > The term used should be mutually decided upon by the couple, and friends and family should use that term, within reason. If you don’t know what term the couple uses, then “partner” tends to be safe. < /miss-manners >
I have a number of friends in long-term relationships, and use “husband”, despite the refusal of the state of California to call it a marriage. I like this approach. Saying “husband” conveys the emotional and practical message that the relationship is a marriage in all the ways that matter.
of course the same naming-convention issue comes up with straigh couples who are not married but have been together a while… the ridiculousness of ‘girlfriend’ to describe 50 year olds who have been together since 35… or something…
partner seems to work – or the dread significant other.. but we don’t seem to have a really good, common-usage casual word for this, do we?
“umm…friend” is how my family describes any non-married relationship. My dad even referred to his new girlfriend that way at Christmas this year. I think it’s being uncomfortable with discussing ANY very personal relationship.
Partners always puts me in mind of ten-gallon hats, or legal firms. Lovers sounds like bad romance novels. I *do* like paramour…though doesn’t it technically mean the person you’re cheating with?
then there’s always POSSLQ/PSSSLQ 🙂
N.B. My family still does the little pause when they greet Greg during the holidays, getting out the “Mer..” of Merry Christmas before changing it to “Happy Holidays”. It’s very cute.
wow, well put!
In California, you could call them “registered domestic partners.” Still too antiseptic, though. If you look at “marriage” as something more (or other) than a legal relationship, it wouldn’t be so inaccurate to call it that.
As a compromise, you can call them “husbands”, as long as you act consistently, and refer to the women living in a hypothetical not-legal-as-marriage polygamous relationship in the context of a mormon splinter group as “wives”.
Provided, of course, that some non-state authority has concluded a “ceremony” declaring your two uncles to be each-others husbands.
Either way, Dave counts as your uncle in my book.
Better half?
You could always call them their better half or other half. If it truly is a committed relationship that withstands the test of time the two should become somewhat one. So therefore the other half or better half would be fitting.