Pardon me whilst I enter preachy and verbose mode.
I have a friend who never fails to help me keep attractiveness in perspective. How? He likes fat, really fat, hairy guys. All attempts to rationalize a compromise between this and the norm have failed. He’s different, he doesn’t find gym bunnies at all attractive, and never has. Why do I think this is so cool? He’s a living example of the complexity of sexual attraction. It isn’t a linear scale of hotness. It’s all about what turns one person on. And as we grow and change, our desires grow and change.
When I was a closeted kid in high school, we went on a trip to Stratford Ontario, to see some Shakespeare. At the hotel, we got totally out of control (the chaperones didn’t chaperone). There was another set of students there from some Canadian high school. At some point in the evening, there was a girl, and I was using all my charm and persuasive ability to get her to come in to my hotel room, never expecting her to do so. She did, it felt all wrong, I semi-ignored her, and she left in short order (I still feel a little bad about it). When I have succeeded with the poster children of modern day, gay-culture-fetishized attractiveness (not often, but it’s happened), I sometimes feel a little like that dorky kid in hs who wanted to prove I was attractive by attracting someone that was _supposed_ to be attractive to me into his hotel room. My point being, are gym bunnies really what do it for you?
The second thought relates to a point regarding body image read in “Eat More, Weigh Less”. Don’t let the title fool you, though the majority of its pages are devoted to low-caloric-density recipies, it’s about alot more than food. Think not of how your body looks. Think of how your body works. Can you climb trees? Swim? Defend yourself or others? Run fast? Take stairs 2 at a time? Turn cartwheels? Hit what you aim at? Dance? Fit through narrow openings? etc. The idea is to think of what you can do, instead of how you look. And furthermore, what you can do is something that you can more easily improve, no matter what your level of ability, than how you look. This positivism inspires confidence and self-worth, which, as a side note, probably does more to improve attractiveness than hours at the gym.
“…,are gym bunnies what do it for you?”
Not really. I hate to admit it but I tend to dig all kinds of guys, but heavily muscled guys? Nope. I want to have muscles that are toned and have good elasticity and what not. I want to have a tight body. But I’m not hunting that sort of person.
That’s not to say I don’t look at them and think – wow nice body. I’m just not thinking wow what I’d like to DO to that body. I’ve got ot many preconceived notions of what the personalities are like.
far to complex a question to answer as a comment. Trots off to think out thurough answer.
Gym bunnies and body image
You know, posts like this are why we live you so much!
External view (what I am attracted to)… no, I’m not at all after the gym bunny. I love men with great legs but I absolutely melt for their eyes! There are a couple of guys that I lust after simply for how I imagine they would look, staring into my eyes! (BTW, has gorgeous eyes!)
Internal view (how I work on my own physical self)… I’m committed to improving my health, not my body. I believe in starting with “centering” co that I carry myself upright, shoulders squared. I do want a flatter stomach, better definition but none of that would matter (on me) with a gut from a lower, off-point center of gravity. Thats rom my dance days I guess.
This
reminds me of a time past when being fat was attractive. In the days of European aristocracy, being fat meant that you were wealthy. That meant that you had the power and money to afford alot of food. It is funny how in modern days that skinny is the ideal form.
For me, up to when I was about 24 years old, all I wished for was gorgeous body for a boyfriend, so I asked God. Now, at 37, Reality made it clear that going to bed with one IS very different from wanting to live under one roof with one. After a while the shell fades and the inner qualities may not match the packaging. We all have different maturity age. Now personal qualities and attributes really counts alot in what I look in a person. Self confidence, consideration, self expression, achievement, overcoming personal struggles, strength of character, a big heart, a sense of fair play, worldliness, level-headed, self-sacrifice for the good of others, responsible qualities rank high in my book of attractiveness.
I really enjoy looking at gorgeous men but I no longer pay unquestioned respect to beautitful men who were born with it. Why should I have any more respect for things that were NOT EARNED? I pay much more respect to personal qualities that were hard fought. Many good looking people have midlife crisis when they no longer have their looks to carry them in life. The inner examination and self identity issues may not have been addressed adequately. On the other hand, average looking folks had to work much harder to get through life with charm, superior social/communication skills, enthusiasm, confidence, negotiation, self-esteem based on achievement, self-respect & self-actualization actualization. Trust me, I had my share of experience. Now, in my mid-years, I am rather well adjusted. I can ever afford to help others along the way… how about that??
I sometimes wonder how much different my life could have been if I were absolutely drop-dead gorgeous…
Wishful thinking always gets me in trouble.
Attractiveness
I have my own set of attractors, but some things are constant…..
I tend to like guys with big muscles. Tight bodies are often a plus- and I tend to be more attracted if your stomach does not in any way hang over the belt. Big pecs I adore.
Nice eyes, warm smile, ability to kiss. Smells….right (not even gonna try to describe that one)
All of these things contribute to what I like….but one of the most attractive things about someone is how they move. Not how they dance, but how thier hands move, how expressive thier face is, and those little motions they make while at rest.
I have to pretty much see a good personality for myself otbe attracted to someone. If they don’t, I can, in the short term, make up a personality for them (quite litterally). This obviously doesn’t work for extended periods, and often not for an entire evening.
In terms of personality, I’m attracted to…..individuals. If you cant’ think, move along. But you don’t have to prove it to me…I just have to be able to see it (you don’t have ot dress outlandish or make a point to show this).
Almost nobody can judge who I will and who I will not be attracted to. One infamous incident where I didn’t know two guys were together (if you’re gonna get jealous you do need to, oh, INFORM people that you two are together?), and one of them thought i was all into his boyfriend and cornered me, jealous…when it was actually him I’d been interested in (he didn’t have a tight built body, I suppose he just assumed- but he has the prettiest eyes…..).
As someone who has in the past been a gym rat- the people who benifit most from teh gym actually just get it because they feel better about themselves. That’s the key, always. So going to the gym is not a bad idea, in my opinion.
Re: Attractiveness
As someone who has in the past been a gym rat- the people who benifit most from teh gym actually just get it because they feel better about themselves. That’s the key, always. So going to the gym is not a bad idea, in my opinion.
When it comes the gym, I’m a more migratory, (or hibernating) beast than a rat. I go, occassionally, because when I leave, I feel better, and for a few days afterwards, too. The warm fuzzies from the gym suffer from something like an exponential decay.
In terms of personality, I’m attracted to…..individuals. If you cant’ think, move along. But you don’t have to prove it to me…I just have to be able to see it (you don’t have ot dress outlandish or make a point to show this).
I used to dress outlandishly <sigh> Those were the days =)
Hrrmm… I vary on what I find attractive… It can be a bonafide thin twink to someone who is slightly overweight… I think it’s a vibe I get of the person… I’ve never been able to figure out what’s “my type”.=)
Agreed
I’m pretty with you on this one. The physical varies too much to say much beyond, at least a little in shape but not a muscle queen, hairy chest preferred, with a bigger nose, and a slightly scruffy look preferred.
But, in terms of personality, I like quiet guys. The ones who don’t say much, but say things worth listening to. Rarely to never agressive, verbally or physically, but willing to defend themselves. Articulate yet simple of speech. I also like the showy guys, who make a party wherever they go, though those interests are usually more fleeting.
Oh well.
Thank you, Stevie. This is what I keep trying to keep in perspective as I step up to the plate (literally and figuratively) and attempt to get healthier. There are things I used to be able to do, that I have trouble now doing and I want to fix that. I don’t care what I weigh, so long as I am “fit” for my definition of such.
And you know how I look – gootmu is not attracted to me because of my body type, but because of who I am, and he’s promised me if I do manage to become a hot bod he’ll still respect me in the morning 🙂
What you said is totally incredible. I often wonder though, do I come across like that? I question that all the time. You know, I have a friend who just recently began to workout at the gym, while he is not a big muscley guy, he aims to be very well built so he can wear clothing that shows the mucsles that he did develop. The chemistry is not there for me, although he would like it to be. He never stops telling me of his wonderful gains, which tends to bore me. I don’t come across as such do I? Things like this make me think. I work out for health reasons. I have a nice body, but I have so much more that I can do.
I’d like to believe that the type of childhood relationships you’ve experienced has a lot to do with who is attractive to you. I was always a stocky built guy, shorter and huskier than most of the kids during that time, and I was very self-conscious about it. Also I was raised in a very strict home environment, everything had its place and it appeared life was about a lot of rules. I can’t give any scientific proof for my feelings, but I was always attracted to skinny, arrogant kids, they called them Bad Asses back then, (shrugs shoulders). There’s probably a lot more to that than I wish to decipher, but the fact is that when I look back, most of the guys I hooked up with had both of those qualities. As I got older the badass thing went away and was replaced by what I call their joy ratio. Guys that just light up when you talk to them drive me wild, a guy that purrs. And you’ve absolutely right, it’s not a thing that you can change.
I have this friend that I go shopping at the mall with, he’s twenty years younger than me, and he’s very attracted to older men. I on the other hand have interest in legal age and up to thirty. Okay, I’d push the limits up if the right guy showed up, but not by much 🙂 Anyways, we talk about that a lot, him never understanding my attraction to younger guys and me never understanding his for the older ones, but neither of us could ever change each other’s thinking in that regard. It’s definitely an individual preference and I would be the last guy to ever think less of someone else based on what turns them on. I have friends that do that to me, but I just laugh it off. They teasingly call me candy man and cradle robber, but that’s because they are always thinking about the sexual part of attraction. It’s not always about sex for me, and often I see guys that I think are exceptional attractive but not necessarily sexy and the opposite of that.