So, Simon was pretty direct and asked me why I’m fucking my life up. You know, I have a job, I don’t work anywhere near the hours I could work on it, and if I did work those hours, I could pay the rent and then some with few worries. So why not “just stick your nose to the grindstone and put in the hours.” I empathised with his frustration. It’s a frustration I’ve felt. And he’s not the first person to say such things, by a long shot. I surround myself with eminently logical people, who point this out to me, repeatedly. <\/p>\n
But I am not driven by logic. I know logic intimately, and I use it skillfully. But I cannot use logic to convince me to go where I feel no drive. It would have made total sense to finish out the year at motorola. It would be perfectly logical to keep doing what I’m doing for now, and hope Ro pulls out another contract (though still hedging my bets by looking for other work). Computer science is creative work, at least the way I do it. And if there is no emotion urging me to the work, it will not get done.<\/p>\n
Nobody’s paying for omphaloskepsis these days. More’s the pity. I’d make a killing. <\/p>\n
To Simon, my explanations (perhaps more detailed, perhaps less articulate than the one I just provided) sounded like excuses. And regardless of the articulation, maybe they are. Yeah, I’m hoping my parents help pull my fiscal bacon out of the fire. They probably can keep my head above water for a little while, job or no. And they’d probably be willing to. They can’t buy meaning or a sense of accomplishment for me (duh), and that sort of matters more at the moment (ask me again, if\/when I become flat broke). <\/p>\n
Ro would like to know whether or not he can rely on me to keep with the work we’re doing now. I’m currently giving it about as much as I have motivation to give. Ro is one of those supremely logical people. I’ve seen no sign that he speaks the right language to light a fire under my ass for the work we’re doing, if that’s even possible. Then again, Ro is my longest running employer ever. My lengthy whatever of last night ended on a note of personal disappointment. I didn’t inject the obvious “but things are actually improving appreciably. Look at this, that, and the other thing.” Learning not to tack up the “it’s all okay, no gaping wounds here” in front of disfunctionality was a little goal I’d set for myself awhile ago. Disfunctionality happens, and should not be feared. No more than it should be nurtured.<\/p>\n I don’t think I’ll find further coherence tonight, and so until tomorrow, I bid you, rest well.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" So, Simon was pretty direct and asked me why I’m fucking my life up. You know, I have a job, I don’t work anywhere near the hours I could work on it, and if I did work those hours, I could pay the rent and then some with few worries. So why not “just stick … Continue reading “One of “The Talks” — from Simon”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-714","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/cheerfulchaotic.crazycrew.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/714","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/cheerfulchaotic.crazycrew.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/cheerfulchaotic.crazycrew.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cheerfulchaotic.crazycrew.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cheerfulchaotic.crazycrew.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=714"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/cheerfulchaotic.crazycrew.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/714\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/cheerfulchaotic.crazycrew.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=714"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cheerfulchaotic.crazycrew.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=714"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cheerfulchaotic.crazycrew.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=714"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}