{"id":1844,"date":"2006-10-31T21:42:00","date_gmt":"2006-11-01T03:42:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cheerfulchaotic.crazycrew.org\/?p=1844"},"modified":"2006-10-31T21:42:00","modified_gmt":"2006-11-01T03:42:00","slug":"untrained-auto-psychoanalysis","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cheerfulchaotic.crazycrew.org\/?p=1844","title":{"rendered":"untrained auto-Psychoanalysis"},"content":{"rendered":"

So, years ago, I was diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder<\/a> with Anxious and Depressive Features. Right around the time I oh-so-conveniently left town, my shrink was starting to think that it might be more serious than that. Hearing that phrase, I paniced a little inside (see “Anxious” above). I haven’t seen a shrink since. I don’t have the least belief that I’d end up medicated or committed, but I should probably be talking with some trained person about my neuroses anyway, for my own optimum happiness or whatever. I just haven’t. In CA without insurance, I got out of the talking-with-a-shrink habit. And, though it might have helped me in my grad school stresses, I just chose not to. And now I’ve chosen the less benefit-ful insurance option. I _can_ cope with my own problems. I _might_ cope better with assistance. But it’s gotta be a quality shrink. I can talk for hours to someone who doesn’t call me on my shit and get nowhere. <\/p>\n

But, back to my point. Adjustment disorder with Anxious and Depressive Features. So, today I was thinking about where it all might come from. I have persistent anxiety. It’s usually about either disappointing people, or driving everyone around me away through some ill considered action. Total ostracism was the dominant theme in my nightmares starting in probably college. When I got friends I really cared about losing. I dreamed of being in places totally without people. Very unsettling dreams. <\/p>\n

Then there’s the depression. It generally revolves around me feeling like I’m a bit of a fraud. I have a … reputation\/demeanor\/facade\/outward show\/whatever of intelligence. It’s one of the first things people notice about me. Either that or eyes or smile, but those are mostly guys flirting with me. But a fair amount of the time, I feel like it’s bullshit. Meaningless scores on multiple choice tests, a big vocabulary, arithmetic, what have you. Howard gardner gives an interesting definition of intelligence which I’ll paraphrase as “the ability to do something that matters in a social context”. And at those times, I feel like I have alot of ability, but none of it matters. I look at my frequent procrastination, my lack of material accomplishments, and so forth and so on. In short I focus on my flaws and am unable to look at my positive features or put those flaws in perspective. <\/p>\n

None of these thoughts are terribly new. But I linked this for the first time to the two big lies I was fed as a kid about myself. The first was a very well intentioned lie. My teachers and parents told it to me, and intended it to be motivational. “You can grow up to be anything you want to be.” The other lie was less well intentioned and told to me by my peers starting at around age 7 or 8, and came in a variety of forms: “You have no common sense” “You have no social skills” “You are untouchably disgusting” “I would sooner have anyone but you on my team”. Leading to the underlying theme: “You are worthless.” I do think I got more of that than most kids. I think I got it for being different: Good at standardized tests; uninterested in sports; fond of books; and later, internally, for being gay. <\/p>\n

The first set of lies gave me a big head. Because I believed they were true, and hoped that they were understatements. And, the second set of lies made me angry. Because I believed they were false and feared they were true.<\/p>\n

So now I have my own internal voices repeating the lies of my childhood. Why am I not yet running my own business, and working on my senate campaign between my book signings and saving the world? I mean, I can be anything I want to, right? So, why on earth would I choose this? (Anxiety, what will I be when I grow up? A giant loser?)<\/p>\n

And, on the other hand, what have I done so far that is worthy of note? What makes me think I _can_ do anything of note? What useful skills do I have? Haven’t I noticed x, y, and z flaws? Haven’t I noticed that I don’t matter? (Depression, I already am a giant loser.)<\/p>\n

Maybe setting some goals for myself, goals that matter to me, would help. Things I can do, avoiding both the trivial and the impossible. And then checking myself on them. Seeing if I am accomplishing meaningful things. But mostly, giving myself time and space. Stop expecting the world, and stop beating myself up for failings minor or major. <\/p>\n

Enh, it’s a thought. =)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

So, years ago, I was diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder with Anxious and Depressive Features. Right around the time I oh-so-conveniently left town, my shrink was starting to think that it might be more serious than that. Hearing that phrase, I paniced a little inside (see “Anxious” above). I haven’t seen a shrink since. I don’t … Continue reading “untrained auto-Psychoanalysis”<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1844","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/cheerfulchaotic.crazycrew.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1844","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/cheerfulchaotic.crazycrew.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/cheerfulchaotic.crazycrew.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cheerfulchaotic.crazycrew.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cheerfulchaotic.crazycrew.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1844"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/cheerfulchaotic.crazycrew.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1844\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/cheerfulchaotic.crazycrew.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1844"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cheerfulchaotic.crazycrew.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1844"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cheerfulchaotic.crazycrew.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1844"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}